When we think of how to support a new mom, we typically think of bringing her a meal or doing her laundry. These are great ideas that could surely help her out. Although, there is so much more to supporting a new mom that is effortless, yet not as frequently talked about.

I am going to share what I think is key to supporting a new mom, based off of my own experience. I hope that it may help a new mom thinking about what support and life look like after she gives birth. I also hope that it helps those who will be around that new mom think about how to best support her.

Respect Her Boundaries and No’s Without Questioning or Arguing

A new mom may not be entirely sure what her boundaries will be once she has her baby in her arms. While she is pregnant, she may let her loved ones know that she would prefer to have visitors for short periods of time and for them to wash their hands before holding her baby. Accept that. Maybe she changes her mind once she has given birth and would like others to refrain from holding her newborn until a few days or weeks later. Accept that. It is so important to accept a new moms boundaries. Do not question her boundaries. Do not argue them. She just gave birth, is healing, exhausted, and learning how to be a mom for the first time.

Along with accepting her boundaries, accept her no’s. A new mom is allowed to say no. She can say no to visitors, others holding her baby, going out, and to help. This time is about the new mom and her baby. No one else. (Okay, the new dad, too. Although, the new dad isn’t recovering from a baby exiting his body and all that comes with that.) Accept her boundaries and whenever she says no without making a big deal out of it. Simply say, “okay,” “I understand,” or “I love you, whatever is best for you.” A new mom has enough to worry about. The last thing that she needs to be thinking about are other people’s feelings and needs.

Always Ask Before Taking Any Action and Respect Her Preferences

Make sure to ask a new mom first before doing anything. Ask her if you can hold her newborn. Ask her if she would like help with laundry, dishes, cooking, or cleaning. Ask her if she would be open to hearing advice. Ask her if you may come visit. While asking, it would be kind to throw in “no worries either way,” or “I understand if you say no.” Asking eliminates any awkwardness from doing something that a new mom may not feel comfortable with or want.

Some moms don’t want help. That’s okay. I personally did not want help from anyone besides my husband. Yet, I did appreciate when someone asked if I wanted any food brought over and gave me options. That way, it was something I actually wanted. I had food brought to me that I felt obligated to eat. It was nice that someone brought me something, yes, but it wasn’t what I wanted. After having a baby, certain foods sounded good, others not so much.

I would also recommend asking before giving advice. Sometimes advice is so helpful and appreciated. Other times, it can feel condescending or annoying.

I think that it is thoughtful to ask before doing anything. Ask. Ask. Ask.

Allow Her To Bond With Her Baby Without Pressure or Interference From Others

All I wanted was to be with my baby. I wanted to hold my baby, take care of my baby, and just be with my baby. I didn’t want to pass my newborn around. I didn’t want to take excessive pictures of other people holding my newborn. I didn’t want others taking care of my newborn. I may have been on the extreme end of wanting my newborn close to me 24/7, but that was what felt right to me. I wish that I had only had people around me that accepted, understood, and let that happen.

All it takes is one person to make this difficult. One person to constantly pressure and ask to hold the baby. Don’t be that one person. Let the new mom bond with her newborn. It is more important than anything else. If you want to hold a baby, wait until the baby’s mom asks you or wait days to weeks after she has had her baby to expect to hold him/her.

I struggled with feeling like I had to share my baby. It made me feel sick as the same person held my baby over and over while I stared at the clock, trying to give that person “enough” time. That was not fair to me. I deserved to bond with my baby that only days ago had been apart of me.

Give Her Space and Communicate About Visit Frequency and Duration

She just gave birth. Unless she personally asks you, do not go to the hospital. You have plenty of time to meet her baby. While I was recovering in the hospital, I could barely walk. I was bleeding, swollen, sweaty, and trying to breastfeed. I did not want to have anyone in the room besides my husband, the doctor, and the nurses helping me. Having someone show up at the hospital made me feel really stressed and uncomfortable.

If you are welcome to visit the new mom and her baby in the hospital, don’t overstay. Also, be kind. If you plan to take pictures of the baby, ignore the new mom, and make it all about you, don’t go. Stay home.

Giving her space also applies once the new mom and baby are back at home. It is best to wait to visit. For me, having visitors over the morning after we returned home from the hospital was way too much. It would have been so much better for me if visitors would have waited a couple of weeks before coming over. It also would have been better if the visits weren’t so long. I would recommend visiting for an hour or less. Staying for a whole afternoon or an entire day can be overwhelming for a new mom.

Communicate with the new mom. If you want to visit, ask her how frequently and how long is best for her. Accept whatever answer she gives you. It will only help you, your relationship with her, and your relationship with her baby.

Treat Her With Kindness and Make Her Feel Loved, Ensuring Your Intentions Are Genuine

The most important way that you can support a new mom is by treating her with kindness. There is nothing that she needs more from others than to be treated kindly. Giving birth and transitioning into motherhood is a vulnerable, momentous time. During that time, you do not want anyone around you who is not able to treat you with respect and kindness.

In my experience, it was incredibly taxing to have people treat me unkindly during my postpartum period. Giving birth, recovering from birth, sleepless nights, and learning how to be a mom were all easier than dealing with the cruelty I faced from others.

Some examples of how not to treat a new mom would be spreading rumors about her, ignoring her while at her home, making inappropriate comments, mocking her boundaries, glaring at her, not giving her baby back to her when she asks, calling her names, and trying to cause issues in her marriage.

Instead, offer her a smile. Ask her how she is doing and if there is anything you can do to help her. Bring her a latte. Compliment her. Kindness goes a long way.

Make her feel loved. Let her know that you love her and care about her. Make her feel welcome if she comes to visit or make her feel special when you visit her. Or if she doesn’t want to be around others while she recovers, send her a thoughtful card or a text. I would suggest sending a text before calling since her baby may be sleeping. Let her know that you want to support her however she needs.

This has to be genuine. If you are trying to make her feel loved with the sole purpose of getting what you want from her, that is not love. It will become apparent that your intentions are not pure. Acting fake to get what you want will leave a sour taste and may result in a new mom not being able to fully trust you. Your love has to be genuine and self-less.

If Unable To Fulfill The Above, It’s Best To Stay Away To Avoid Causing Discomfort

If you can’t do the above, stay far away from the new mom and her baby. Be honest with yourself. If you feel like it is too hard to be in the presence of a newborn without holding him/her, don’t put yourself in the position to be disappointed or to make things unnecessarily uncomfortable. If you feel the urge to argue or insist that you know best, don’t. It isn’t helpful. You know how you feel and how you may react. If you have any hesitation or thought that you may not be helpful, don’t involve yourself.

No one is entitled to a new mom’s baby besides the new mom (and dad). Period. It doesn’t matter who you are or what your “title” is. Loving, kind, and supportive family members understand and respect that.

Supporting a new mom is important and it is easy to do. Kindness, respect, thoughtfulness, and love go a long way. A new mom will greatly appreciate those who treated her well during her postpartum stage.