Deciding to go no contact is not always an easy or straightforward decision. Typically it is something that you heavily think through and debate on for awhile before you eventually realize that it is the only choice you have left to make. If you are unfamiliar with the term, no contact means to cut ties with someone. This means that you block, ignore, delete, avoid, and remove the person from your life. It can be especially tricky to do if the person that you are going no contact with is a family member, co-worker, friend, or even a romantic partner.

For me, no contact was my saving grace. It has given me peace, happiness, and has let me return back to my life. It was truly the only option I had left for my health. Not only was I emotionally and mentally suffering from the emotional abuse, but it was taking a toll on me physically as well. After exhausting further options, no contact was the last resort that has saved me.

You Have Tried To Fix Things

It is not easy to confront anyone, let alone a toxic person. It takes courage and strength to be able to calmly communicate with someone that their behavior has been hurting you. I think that it is important to have this discussion so that you can attempt to make things better, but also so that you are aware of what you’re dealing with. Although, I do want to say that if the person is abusive, you do not need to have a conversation with them. Your safety is of the utmost importance.

In my experience, trying to fix things multiple times without any change in behavior or even any accountability, was a clear sign that I was headed towards no contact. My first attempt at trying to fix things I was so terrified that I was shaking uncontrollably. Even in my extreme discomfort, I called the person and calmly stated that I wanted to try to clear up any miscommunication. At the time, I thought maybe that was what it was, rather than the person being intentionally manipulative and abusive. I did not bring up their behavior, other than addressing the current issue at hand. I respectfully expressed my boundaries and tried to look for ways to make things work out for us both. During my attempt to figure things out, I became more confused when the person was argumentative, unkind, and difficult. Following that conversation, the person became more toxic towards me. Months later, after enduring more abuse, I had a final conversation. I addressed the abusive behavior this time and stated my boundaries going forward. I went into this conversation knowing that it was my final attempt.

Whether you have tried to repair a relationship once or so many times that you can’t keep count, you will know when you are done and being done is okay. If you are dealing with a toxic person, it will be incredibly difficult to have a conversation with them. It is draining, stressful, confusing, and can be emotionally hurtful. They may argue with you, gaslight you, try to manipulate you, call you names, or all of the above. Do not engage with any toxic behavior. Stay calm, respectful, and firm in your healthy boundaries. Commend yourself for attempting to fix things.

They Show No Empathy or Remorse and Make No Attempt at Repairing the Relationship

As a person who has tended to overthink and people please, it is mind blowing to me that there are people in this world who don’t give a second thought to their hurtful behavior. We are human, we are going to make mistakes, and at some point we all will hurt someone’s feelings. It is how we respond to our own poor behavior that will define who we are. Are we remorseful, caring, and take accountability for our actions? Do we try to learn from our mistakes and become kinder?

When dealing with a toxic person, it may feel really strange to encounter such a stark lack of empathy and care. Healthy people will listen to you, genuinely apologize, and work to change their behavior when addressed with a concern. Respectfully communicating with someone about how their behavior is negatively affecting you is not pushing them away or trying to hurt them. Communicating with them is trying to continue the relationship in a way that is healthy for all involved.

In my experience, the hurtful behavior was very confusing until I addressed the person. Once I learned that their behavior was darker than simple miscommunication, I began to realize that I was dealing with someone toxic. The more time went on with no empathy or remorse shown and no attempt at repairing things, the more I realized this was not going to be repaired. This person was not going to change.

People do what they want. We can’t change other people or make them care about us. We can make our own decisions, though. If someone is unable to take accountability, does not help mend the issue, and shows no care for your feelings, it may be time for you to consider going no contact.

Your Mental Health is Suffering and You Are Emotionally Drained

If a person’s behavior is affecting your day-to-day life and your wellbeing, it is a huge sign that something needs to change. Experiencing this can be confusing. I was constantly questioning myself. I kept wondering what is wrong with me? Why is this happening, why is this person affecting me so badly? Emotional abuse is strange because it messes with your head. It can have you believing that you did something wrong, that you are bad, unworthy, unloved, etc. Emotional abuse can also be hard to see or put your finger on. You may think that you’re overreacting, that the person is having a bad day, that they don’t mean to, or that it isn’t that bad. It is that bad if it is negatively affecting your everyday life. You are not crazy and you are not any of the negative things that you may be thinking about yourself.

I have never felt so low in my life than when I was being emotionally abused. In the past, I have had plenty of bad days and times that I thought nothing would get better. This was different. I started off feeling confused, anxious, stressed, and like I was barely holding my life together. As time went on, I continued to feel worse. I became deeply depressed and highly anxious. I was dealing with many awful affects like insomnia, panic attacks, weight fluctuations, nightmares, and little energy. I was not okay. No relationship or person on this planet is worth that kind of suffering. No person that cares about you would ever make you feel that way. If a person is damaging your mental health and draining you, no contact is the best solution.

They Continue Their Toxic Behavior

You give them chance after chance, yet they are still treating you poorly. Maybe they act civil one day and the next are back to being toxic. If a person continues their toxic behavior towards you, it is up to you to choose whether you want to continue dealing with it or to remove them from your life. You may decide to try lowering your contact with the person first. That may work, but if they continue treating you poorly on the rare instances that you do communicate with them, you may decide to let them go.

I felt like I could only endure so much more toxic behavior. I had reached my capacity for maltreatment. I kept trying to heal, but I couldn’t heal when things kept happening. My final straw was an emotionally abusive voicemail. Even after that, even while ignoring the person, more toxic behavior ensued. It most likely hasn’t stopped, but since I went no contact, it is no longer my problem.

You Feel Relief at the Thought of No Contact

If thinking about no contact makes you feel at peace and a strong sense of relief, you are ready. It is time. Some people may not feel this depending on who the toxic person is. Some people may feel it no matter who the person is.

I remember when I started to feel overwhelming relief at the idea of going no contact. I started to crave it. All I wanted was to be done dealing with the person and their abuse. I was miserable, did not feel like myself, and found life to be very difficult. I had been in therapy, gone to doctors, yet nothing was helping me feel normal. Therapy helped get through the days, but the only true thing that helped me take my life back was cutting out the toxic person.

When my “last straw” happened, I thought, finally. Finally, I can be done. Sure, the things that were said were hurtful, but I was almost glad. Finally, it was said, I had proof, and I felt like I had suffered enough. I felt completely justified in going no contact. It was liberating.

You Have No Other Options Left

There are some things in life that you can’t come back from. When trust is shattered and hatred is spewed, it may never be repaired. In my case, what happened was so abnormal and abusive, that there is nothing that can fix it. I’ve thought long and hard about what, if anything, could fix things. There is nothing. If you have ever experienced something like this, you know what I mean. You can feel it in your soul.

I deeply felt like I had reached this point. The person had given me no further options after the last emotionally abusive thing that they did. There was no way for me to continue any semblance of a relationship with this person. I had never been talked to the way that they had talked to me. I had never been treated so poorly. I couldn’t reason with them, not that I wanted to anyways. There was nothing left to say. To make matters worse, instead of apologizing later, they continued to be toxic. Every time that I thought they couldn’t get worse, they did.

If you have no options left but to go no contact, maybe you can feel at peace knowing that it truly is not on you. You did everything that you could. That person had every chance to act better and be kinder. They failed, not you.

Although going no contact can be sad, it can be extremely freeing. You no longer have to be subjected to maltreatment and abuse. You get to focus on healing and take your life back. If you do feel sad to lose this person from your life, that is okay and normal. You are allowed to grieve the loss of the person you had wanted them to be and that relationship with them you had hoped for.

Choosing to go no contact is your choice. I do not believe it is ever an easy choice. I think that most people, if not all, go through a lot of abuse before they decide to cut ties with someone. Going no contact is done to keep yourself safe. You may also go no contact with someone toxic to protect your children and spouse as well. It is not done to be vengeful or spiteful.

Your mental, emotional, and physical health are all equally important. This is your life. You do not need to put up with abusive behavior, it does not matter who the person is or what their title to you is. No contact can be the first step in your healing journey and your path to a more peaceful life. Rather than viewing no contact as something negative, I view it as a positive. It is taking your life back and being kind to yourself. No contact is finally being free.

I wish you all healing and peace.