Giving birth is life changing. Not only does the whole process of a baby exiting your body change you, but so does becoming a parent. Becoming a mom to a tiny human changes everything. Suddenly, nothing else in the world matters besides that new little person. It is truly magical. Yet, even though there is so much beauty in giving birth, there is also a lot of austerity. Your body is flooded with hormones, you are in excruciating pain, and you are exhausted. When you begin the postpartum stage, all you want is your baby close to you, to rest, and to be treated kindly. The last thing you want to be dealing with is other people’s issues.

Postpartum is a vulnerable time in a woman’s life where she needs time and grace to heal. She deserves time to settle into her new life and to let her body recover from what was probably the most strenuous event it has ever been through. While the new mom is healing and bonding with her baby, it is typically expected for her loved ones to support her. Some people like to call this the woman’s “village.” All I heard while I was pregnant was, “it takes a village.” At the time, I thought that was a nice sentiment. Now looking back after everything that I have been through, that phrase was more like a threat.

As a woman, simply surviving postpartum can be challenging. Now, throw in having to survive monster-in-laws at the same time and you may find yourself going insane. Whether your in-laws have always been difficult or they have just suddenly lost their minds, it is important to remain calm while figuring out how to best handle the situation. It can be really tough to stay calm with no sleep, your entire life uprooted, and extra hormones in your body, yet you have to try. Otherwise, the nightmare in-law situation will only get worse.

Create Boundaries

I didn’t even really know what boundaries were before I experienced the nightmare with my in-laws. I knew the definition, but I didn’t know that it was something used in relationships. I suppose I had never previously been in a relationship where boundaries were needed to be clearly discussed. Although, once I felt like I was being treated poorly and being pushed around, I started to learn more about boundaries.

Boundaries are essential for dealing with difficult people. They are a way to clearly communicate what you are not okay with and what you need from a relationship. They are set to try to help the relationship heal and return to a healthy place. Boundaries are not used to control, upset, or get revenge on someone. They are used for protecting yourself or others.

Creating boundaries with in-laws can be intimidating. It can be best for your spouse to talk to their parents or family members about what your boundaries are as a couple. Let your spouse handle his or her family, if possible. Sometimes, the spouse has a hard time doing this, especially if they grew up in an unhealthy environment where they weren’t able to express themselves. If you have to or if you feel it is best, you should calmly try to have a respectful conversation with your in-laws. Express what your boundaries are. You do not need to go into detail or explain yourself unless you want to.

In my experience, I over-explained myself the first time I attempted to establish boundaries. I was very careful and kind during my conversation. I made sure that the person knew I wanted to do what I could to make things work, but that I just needed a little respect. The conversation still did not go well. As time and the abuse went on, boundaries became stricter until there was nothing left to do except close the door on the relationship.

Distance Yourself

If you are expecting your in-laws to be difficult, go into postpartum with a plan already set to healthily distance yourself from them. That can mean anything from having them wait a few weeks before meeting your baby to short visits to virtual visits. It could mean only meeting up at a neutral location, only getting together once a month, or taking a break completely until there is a positive change in their behavior. If you are no contact with your in-laws, you do not need to change that and are safe from this. If your in-laws have become unbearable all of a sudden during your postpartum stage, this is when you have to make changes and work on distancing.

Distancing yourself can be a sort of boundary. It is finding what works best for you and what you can manage. It is healthy to distance yourself from any drama or negativity during postpartum. Toxic in-laws may try to push themselves on you, try to control you, and try to take over your experience. It is important to protect yourself from that. It is really stressful to have people around who are unkind to you and who try to control you. It is so much worse dealing with that during postpartum.

I was forced into having to distance myself. I really had no other option. It was miserable to be around my in-laws. I would’ve preferred picking up trash on the side of a highway rather than being in the same room with them. They were passive aggressive towards me, would make uncomfortable comments, argued my boundaries, and would make weird faces at me while in my home. They also had spread lies about me to the rest of their large, extended family so I didn’t feel comfortable going to any of their gatherings. The entire family had been treating me as if I was a deadly disease. Distancing myself was how I protected myself.

Communicate With Your Spouse

You must communicate with your spouse while dealing with difficult in-laws. It is so important to be open and honest. Your significant other needs to know what you are experiencing so that they are able to help or protect you from it. It can be intimidating and upsetting to have to tell the person you love how their family is making you feel. You can’t hold it in or wait. If you try to deal with it yourself without communicating to your spouse, it can create issues between the two of you.

In some cases, toxic in-laws will try to drive a wedge between you and your partner. This is a very stressful and scary experience. Communicating can help to prevent this or resolve it. While addressing the issues, it is best to try to remain calm and clearly explain without making accusations that may put your partner in defensive mode. It may take time to get on the same page, especially if you waited to talk about it and your in-laws have been working hard spreading lies about you.

I wish that I had communicated with my husband before things got to be too much for me. It is a long story for another day, but I thought that the way that his family was treating me was due to some kind of miscommunication. I had no idea what I was really dealing with. Once I finally mustered up the courage to talk to my husband about it, he got angry with me. He thought I was causing issues. I ended up learning that his family had been talking negatively about me to him for months. If I would have just talked to him from the beginning, maybe we could have avoided a lot of the stress between us and arguments we had.

Focus on Yourself

You deserve to be selfish during your postpartum stage. You deserve to focus on your baby, healing, and overall, yourself. You shouldn’t have to be worrying about other people’s feelings or opinions. You shouldn’t have to cater to anyone else. This is your time. If you have toxic or difficult in-laws, make sure to put them on the furthest back burner. You do not need to be stressing about them. If they want to be included, they can treat you respectfully and kindly. If they are incapable of that, you should protect yourself and do what you need to keep their issues out of your way.

During postpartum, you should really listen to your heart, gut, and inner self. Whatever feels right for you is best. If you need time to bond with your baby, take it. If you need a break from people that are treating you poorly, take it. I know that it is hard to not think of others if you are a caring person, but you need to turn that care onto yourself for this period of time.

The consequence of not focusing on yourself is leaving yourself vulnerable to anxiety or depression. With all of the hormones your body is dealing with, lack of sleep, and new changes, it is easy to start to feel bad. Add in extra stress from finances, family, or anything else and it makes it an Olympic sport trying to stay above water. I wish that I had focused on myself entirely. I wish that I had listened to myself and my feelings. Doing so may have led me to a much healthier and happier postpartum experience.

Ignore Them

You’ve created boundaries, you’ve distanced yourself, you are communicating with your spouse, and you are focusing on you. Now, if your monster-in-laws are still monstering, it is time to ignore them. You don’t necessarily have to go full no contact if you do not want to. No contact can make ignoring them easier, although it depends on you and your situation. Ignoring someone can be challenging, but it can be so important to do for your mental health.

No one else’s opinions or thoughts on you or your life matter. What does matter are your own thoughts and opinions. If someone is vocal in their disapproval or vocally unkind to you, you do not need to listen to that. Ignore the passive aggressive comments they make, ignore their complaints, and ignore their negative body language. If they are coming to your home and treating you badly, it can be hard to ignore. You can, but it may negatively impact your emotional and mental health. It is never easy to have someone trying to tear you down in your face. If you no longer visit with them due to their behavior, but they are calling or texting saying outrageous things, again ignore them. Again, this can be hard. There does come a point where the best and healthiest way to ignore a bully is to cut them off. Block them, avoid them, and be done with them.

I ignored negative comments being said in my home, I ignored all of the passive aggressive behavior, I ignored the things that were said to my husband about me, but this stuff all adds up. It wears you down. There comes a point where you can’t ignore it any longer. I addressed it, that went poorly, and after things escalated, I went no contact. Done and done. It took me time to heal, I am still healing, but I no longer have to put up with the toxicity.

It is important to keep in mind that if someone is hurting you, they no longer matter. It can take time to care less about them, but the more that you do, the better your mental health will be. I do not wish ill on the people who put me through all of this misery, I just simply do not care about them. I no longer care what they think of me. They are not important to me any longer. You will probably struggle to understand this until you are emotionally abused by someone that you once considered to be “family.” That is okay if you don’t get it, I am happy for you that you do not have to experience it, but please be empathic towards those of us who are in this position. This is for those that are struggling because someone that they once valued became toxic towards them. This is for the person whose family decided that they were not worthy enough to be shown basic kindness and respect. This is for the person who cried, who tried everything, and who beat themselves up over the way someone else was treating them. If you are that person, you are allowed to knock anyone off of their pedestal in your life. It doesn’t matter who they are or what their title is. You can let them go.

Surviving postpartum is tough enough, but if you have monster-in-laws, it is ten times harder. I highly recommend preparing for it by doing the things that I have addressed. I am not sure if it would have saved me completely from what I endured, but I may have had more time to heal or more clarity earlier on. Sometimes you view people, things, or situations with rose colored glasses. You want to see the best in someone, you want to think that they care about you. You don’t want issues. You may not take the glasses off until they are ripped off of your face. If you are suddenly faced with a nightmare, calmly collect yourself and work to either fix it or get out of it. When the nightmare is your in-laws, it can be tricky getting out of it. Sometimes there isn’t much else to do but try your best until you realize it isn’t worth it anymore. I wish that you all have kind, loving in-laws, and that they show you the upmost respect during your postpartum stage. For those like me that don’t have this luxury, I wish you peace, clarity, and healing.

Take care of yourself.