I want to have a little fun with this one. This is a very serious topic that I am going to try to write as lightheartedly as possible. Enjoy!

Apparently the term “narcissist” is becoming a sort of pop culture word that is more loosely thrown around than it probably should be. I take the word narcissist very seriously. I think that it is a severe designation. If you are labeling someone as a narcissist, you are saying that they have a personality disorder that makes them concerningly selfish and honestly kind of evil. A narcissist lacks empathy and only thinks of themselves. This type of person will do anything to get attention, genuinely believes that they are superior to others, and will stop at nothing to tear your life apart if you upset them. There is a lot to know about a narcissistic person and you will want to be aware of their characteristics if you find yourself dealing with one.

Finding out that someone you know is a narcissist is equivalent to getting slapped across your face. It burns, yet it wakes you up. It comes with a slew of thoughts and emotions. On one hand, it makes everything make sense. Especially if the narcissist doesn’t like you and you have been taking blow after blow from them wondering why they are treating you so poorly. On the other hand, it makes no sense that there are people out there who are like this. How does one not have any empathy? How does someone lack self-awareness? You may feel relieved that you aren’t crazy and that this person has indeed been very carefully trying to destroy your life. You may feel stricken with fear at the realization that you have to deal with this person and they are set on dragging you down. No matter what you’re thinking or feeling, the truth is that you are now at a crossroads. You are about to learn, whether you want to or not, just what this person is capable of. You are about to be pulled through thorns, fire, and have stones thrown at you. Unless of course, you secretly move to another state and block the person.

Narcissists Are All About Themselves

When you think of a narcissist, you immediately think of a self-absorbed person. Every human has the innate trait of being selfish for survival. A narcissist is on another level. They only care about themselves, point blank. They will act like they care about others for their own personal gain. They will pretend to love someone for attention, to keep their mask on, and to control these people they claim to love. They are good at pretending and it can be tricky to decipher if someone is a narcissist or not. You typically have to find out the hard way. The hard way is accidentally giving them a narcissistic injury and slowly realizing that they are intentionally trying to hurt you.

Narcissists believe that they are above everyone else. No one else’s feelings are important and no one else matters as much as they do. Everyone is put into the narcissists life for the narcissist. The narcissist never thinks that they are wrong or at fault. Since they can’t think from another person’s perspective or self-reflect, it makes it challenging to have a healthy, meaningful relationship with a narcissist. Most of the time, you will see the narcissist with their mask on, as their charming, alluring, yet deceiving self. It’s when you upset the narcissist that everything will eventually be revealed.

Narcissists Will Try to Ruin You if You Upset Them

No is a very dangerous word to say to a narcissist. If you stick up for yourself, set a healthy boundary, or decline their demands, good luck brave soul. The dragon has just been unleashed. Maybe they aren’t ready for you to see who is behind the mask and they don’t destroy you… yet. It most likely will come. They may be working behind the scenes to weave the web that you will soon find yourself stuck in. The worst part is that you may not even know that you have upset them. They likely won’t come to you to discuss their feelings. You will find out that you caused them narcissistic injury once they are deep into their revenge. It’s like playing defense in a fixed game that you are set to lose.

Narcissists have an extra sensitive, enlarged ego. The word no is incredibly triggering to them. They take it personally, even if you over explain yourself as to why you are saying no and say it as carefully as possible. Saying no isn’t the only way to upset them. They are easily upset by any lack of attention, energy, or admiration from someone they use for supply. If you upset them, they may ignore you, spread lies about you to others, or act unkindly towards you. If you really upset the narcissist and they go so far as to devalue and discard you, this is where it gets pretty ugly. The narcissist will use their many tricks, tactics, and schemes to try to destroy you. They will not stop until you are begging for their forgiveness or you go no contact and block them. Although, even if you block them, they will probably still find a way to contact you to try to pull you back into the fire.

Narcissists Tricks and Tactics

The narcissist’s playbook is thicker than the Bible. Your head will be spinning trying to keep up with all of the tricks and tactics the narcissists may employ to abuse you. Maybe it starts with the narcissist acting as if you don’t exist. Suddenly, the next thing you know people in your life are treating you differently. You can feel it in your bones that something isn’t right. One of the tactics narcissists use is called a smear campaign. This is where they go around telling lies about you to everyone to try to smear your name. Another trick they use is playing the victim. This works into the smear campaign as they paint themselves as innocent and hurt by you. Do not underestimate the narcissist. They are skilled at lying and putting on a good show.

Now that people in your life are treating you differently and the narcissist is either ignoring you or treating you unkindly, you are probably feeling pretty bamboozled. You are suddenly drowning trying to keep the relationships in your life from falling apart. The narcissist looms over you, taking more control, and demanding more from you. You feel like you have no power. The narcissist puts you down with subtle or maybe not so subtle insults. The icing on the cake? When the narcissist was “getting to know you,” they were learning what triggers or upsets you so that they can use it against you. Whatever these triggers are, you will start noticing how the narcissist uses them to their advantage. Now, if you try to talk to the narcissist about their behavior, they will gaslight you, saying that you’re making it up, and then turn it all back on you. If they can’t blame you, they may use blame shifting, which is where they turn the blame onto someone else, anyone else.

By this point, you are exhausted. You are drained, confused, anxious, and depressed. This game is worse than Jumanji. The narcissist refuses to take any accountability, they are making you feel crazy with their gaslighting, you are isolated from the smear campaign, and they are repeatedly poking at you which a pointed stick. Uh oh, you’ve upset the narcissist again, draw 10 cards. This is where you may get to experience an episode of narcissistic rage. Here come the insults. After this, they may send out their flying monkeys, which we will get into next.

Maybe you finally had enough. Maybe you go low contact or no contact. This is likely when they will use the hoovering tactic to try to suck you back into their game. They may act like nothing has ever happened. If that doesn’t work, they may love bomb you, telling you everything they think you want to hear. They may even throw in a fake apology. This is all part of their manipulation and game. Do not get sucked back in.

Narcissists Flying Monkeys

Cue the Wicked Witch of the West music from The Wizard of Oz. Here come the flying monkeys. These pawns of the narcissist are exhausting to deal with and ever-loyal to their all powerful leader. The narcissist sends them out to do their dirty work, especially when they feel like they are losing power over you. The flying monkey is the person who reaches out to you to try to convince you that the narcissist is right or that you need to appreciate the narcissist. Flying monkeys may try to make you feel guilty for your reaction to the abuse.

Flying monkeys are exhausting because they do not give up easily. They are persistent in their texts, calls, or however they are communicating with you. They can make you feel extra crazy with how highly they view the narcissist and their dedication to convincing you that you are indeed crazy. Sometimes narcissists have good monkeys and bad monkeys, you know like good cop, bad cop? There are the flying monkeys that may act innocent, kind, helpful, and supportive. There are also the ones that may act mean, aggressive, and possibly will even make threats.

Realizing that someone is a flying monkey is very eye-opening. It makes everything that they are saying to you unimportant and fake. The difficult part is the initial encounter with the flying monkey before you realize that they are working for the narcissist. It can be confusing and upsetting. If you realize that you are dealing with a narcissist, keep your eyes out for the flying monkeys. You may not expect who they turn out to be.

Narcissists Don’t Change

Remember that part in the Spongebob episode where Squidward is working at the Krusty Krab for eternity and it shows him as a skeleton sweeping the floor? That will be you if you wait for the narcissist to change. It won’t happen. Everything that I have read and listened to about narcissists states that they do not change. Narcissism is a personality disorder which makes it near to impossible for them to realize that they have a problem. Also, just being a narcissist, remember that they think they are perfect. Maybe in some rare cases they can work on their behavior by going to therapy, but the point is that you shouldn’t wait for that to happen. You will most likely be waiting forever.

It shouldn’t take an adult person a month, two months, six months, a year, or longer to realize that they were abusive and to change their ways. I do think that a teenager or young adult is a different story because they are still learning about life. Not to say that toxic or abusive behavior is okay, it’s not, but they have a greater chance to change. If a person is in their middle age with strong narcissistic characteristics, that is a pretty glaring sign that they are not going to be doing any inner work anytime soon.

Now You’re the Narcissist

The ultimate trick that is pulled by the narcissist after their lengthy and traumatic abuse towards you is that now you are the narcissist! Surprise! Your brain is pretty much all mush at this point in the relationship with the narcissist. You are so beaten down and deep into living in survival mode. You truly may feel like you are the one in the wrong by the time the narcissist so expertly turns everything around on you. You are the one that has been unkind, abusive, and toxic. If only you treated them better.

This is when you need to go no contact. The abuse has gone way too far. You are not crazy and you are not the narcissist. If you are able to feel genuine empathy for others, self reflect honestly, care about others before yourself, and do things selflessly, you are not a narcissist. You have been abused by a narcissist and groomed to believe that you are not a good person. This is a really scary, perplexing, and complicated time. Therapy is incredibly helpful throughout dealing with a narcissist, but also so much so once you finally break free. It is vital to heal and do the work to get back to yourself.

Conclusion

Now that you’ve read a little overview about narcissists, you may be certain that you have dealt with one. Whether you have or not, it is not the point. What matters is how people treat you. It doesn’t matter what “reason” a person has for their abuse, if they are abusive that is not okay. Understanding the in’s and out’s of narcissism can be very helpful to know what may happen and how to respond. For example, if you understand that the person trying to convince you that the narcissist is a kind, good person is actually a flying monkey, you may be less confused and better able to navigate the situation. You may not waste your time or energy with those people. Another example would be if you understand the many tactics a narcissist employs, you may be aware that they are love bombing you and not fall for it. This information is so helpful in making a decision about the relationship you may or may not continue to have with the narcissistic person.

I sincerely hope that if you have not come across a narcissist (to your knowledge), that you never come across one. I hope that you do not go through narcissistic abuse. For those that have, you are not alone and you are not crazy. It really does take a toll on you in so many ways. A narcissist can wreck havoc on your life. My goal is that by sharing this information it may open your eyes to what is happening to you so that you are able to put an end to it before it gets worse. It only gets worse.

For you all that have experienced narcissistic abuse, I wish that you all live peacefully in no contact and heal from what you went through.