This is for anyone who thinks that they will never make it out of the darkness. This is for the survivors of any type of abuse or mistreatment.

They say that there is light at the end of the tunnel. When you’re in the midst of pure darkness, it can be hard to believe it. Although, It’s hard to believe anything that we can’t actually see. You have to lean on faith and trust. When I was in the middle of the darkness, in the middle of healing, I didn’t see the light. I kept looking for it, waiting for it, but it wasn’t coming. It was excruciating. It was exhausting and defeating. I started to think that maybe it wasn’t going to come for me. Even with all of the hard work I was doing to recover from the depression, anxiety, and PTSD, I thought that maybe I was just stuck like this. I kept getting scared and triggered. Healing had it’s days when it was like I was falling off of a cliff, back down to the bottom to start my climb again.

I still can’t say that I am one hundred percent back to myself as I was before I went through all of the trauma, but you know what? That’s okay. As I am finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, I am realizing I don’t want to be who I was before. I want to be better. I want to be and I am now kinder, wiser, more cautious, more loving towards myself, and more protective over my peace. I am able to self-reflect more than ever, in a productive way rather than self-depreciating way. My life has been renewed and cleansed. The Judases have been removed from my family’s table. The dust has settled and life can continue on in peace.

Return to Life

When you start to see the light at the end of the tunnel, you begin to return to life. You are finally exiting out of the grey. While enduring trauma and even while healing, life can feel pretty grey. Everything feels numb, and that is when things are good. When things are bad, they feel miserable, so you kind of crave the nothing feeling. The light brings life.

I realized I was close to the light when I smelled the flowers again. The air was rich with the scent of wildflowers blooming. Sure, it is spring and flowers are everywhere, but I really smelled them. Smells seemed dull for months. Of course I knew the difference between good and bad smells, but they never really overtook me. When I felt huge progress in my recovery, I was overcome by smells. I could really experience them. It sounds weird, but you never realize how impactful your senses are until it is as if they have been muted for awhile. That goes with all of the other senses, too. Colors were vibrant once more, tastes were elevated, sounds were more intense, and hugs felt warmer. It was like I had been a ghost in my body and I had finally returned full force back to life.

Feel Joy and Experience Fun Again

While living through emotional abuse, it was hard to feel joy and really have fun. I was always scared of something happening. My mind was always half-focused on the trauma. Since emotional abuse really messes with your brain, it was like I carried this pain everywhere with me. During the year that I was enduring the abuse, I had fun a handful of times. My family and I went on two little trips that honestly gave me the strength to keep going. I still carried the weight of what I was dealing with, but it was lessened considerably. I was far away from the person treating me poorly. During the first trip, we went somewhere new and that was fun. The second, we went somewhere that felt like home and were surrounded by incredible people. Going on trips was so helpful and I would highly recommend it to anyone who is struggling. Even just driving a couple hours away to somewhere new. Adventuring and seeing the world a little differently can help so much.

I felt joy and had fun other times, more so once I was out of the situation and as I begun healing, but really once I started to see the light. I really have started to feel joy more lately. I don’t have to go out searching for it the same way I did before. I also don’t have to feel slightly defeated when I am not having as much fun as I thought I would because of my PTSD symptoms weighing me down. I am finally at a place where I don’t think about what happened often. I can live my life without constant anxiety. To me, that in itself, is joy.

Feel Confident and Safe

I knew that I was nearing the light when I started to feel safe and confident. It feels so good. It feels good to feel secure in myself, proud of myself, and powerful over my own life. It feels good to feel cozy at home, safe, and protected. I had felt so on edge, like the world was going to end for me at any moment, and like I was being followed by demons lingering in the air, waiting to grab me. That sounds absolutely insane. I am kind of chuckling at myself. I legitimately felt like that, though! I felt crazy. It was awful. I don’t think I have ever really experienced a situation before this where someone who I thought I could trust was trying to tear my life apart. The way it was done was so sneaky and meticulous. It was thought out. It was deliberate. After realizing what was going on and enduring it for a year, it really did a number on my feelings of safety and confidence in not only myself, but the world.

It feels really good to feel good. I don’t overthink every little thing anymore. I don’t have to read a text a thousand times before sending it. I don’t have to question myself. I know what I am doing now. I know that my voice is allowed to be spoken and heard. I don’t have to shrink myself down or hide. I know that I do not have to and should not put up with abuse or mistreatment. I am confident in my decisions. I am confident in myself.

Be Yourself Again

When the light is close, you will start to feel like yourself again as the triggers and PTSD symptoms fade away. Your own light returns. It is beautiful. It is breathtaking. I am beautifully me with all of my strengths, weaknesses, likes, dislikes, quirks, thoughts, opinions, values, qualities, and everything else that make up who I am. It is so crazy to me that these aspects of myself were hidden from me as I was mentally beaten down. I was so stupidly, unconsciously lost in others’ opinions and tactics trying to rip me to shreds.

The trauma and the effects of it cloud over who you are. You are sucked into survival mode, pushing back all of what makes you, you. You are instinctually focused on just simply surviving the threat at hand as if you were an animal out in the wild. After you have survived and after you have been healing, you can finally ease out of your basic instincts and go back to being you.

For so long, I didn’t really feel like me. I felt so strange. I felt broken, like a mess, and like a shell. It took awhile to feel human again. Feeling human again was great, but I still didn’t feel like me. It has taken, in my opinion, far too long, although I am so happy that I am me again, finally. As I had said, I am not the exact same as I was before what I experienced. I am better. The triggers and PTSD are still there, as more of a whisper now, and they definitely suck when they are apparent. They don’t make me feel like I am better, but besides that, I am. I have finally gotten rid of my doormat tendencies. I am still kind to others, just without the people pleasing. I can say no. I love it! I can set my phone down. I can take breaks. I can respectfully burn bridges and cut ties without looking back. I can tell people that I care about them, I can be vulnerable. I can apologize and do the hard work to be a better person. I can be me and not feel guilty or as though I am not good enough. I can be me and enjoy it. I love being me.

Conclusion

There is light at the end of the tunnel. The light is there even if the tunnel is miserably long, treacherous, and hilly. The light is there even if you don’t see it, sense it, or believe it. It will come as long as you keep moving forward. You have to keep loving yourself, healing, and doing all of the things necessary to get out of that tunnel you never deserved to be stuck in.

My hope is that this was able to bring you some light, hope, and peace. It can feel so lonely, exhausting, and defeating to be in the midst of trauma and even while healing. Even though it may feel like that, you are not alone. You have people cheering you on and holding your hand as you navigate the darkness. Maybe you are truly alone (which I doubt), but say you really only have yourself. You know what? You are the only person that you truly need. Other people are there to add love, happiness, and great things to your life. As you do for them. Just first, get out of the tunnel for you. You will find your people as you go along. Put yourself into the world and others will come.

Get through the tunnel for you. The light is there. What are you waiting for?