Emotional abuse can be very tricky to spot. I think that it is important to spread information and awareness about emotional abuse due to it being so sneaky. I didn’t realize that I was being emotionally abused until about a year after it had begun. Once I was able to put a name to my experience, I was able to protect myself and begin to heal. Without understanding what I was dealing with, I became depressed, anxious, and confused. This was because I kept trying to figure out why certain things were happening, kept trying to fix things, and felt like maybe I was the problem. I was doing mental gymnastics without pause. I was suffering until I learned about emotional abuse and how to get the heck out of it.

There are many different signs that you are being emotionally abused, but I am going to focus on a few of the bigger ones that I personally experienced. Emotional abuse is someone messing with your emotions and your brain. It is insidious, calculated, and heartless. It is confusing and can be hard to not only recognize, but to get out of. If you feel like you are being abused, please reach out to someone, whether it be a trusted love one or a therapist. You can get out of the situation and live a healthy, happy life.

Boundaries Are Ignored

When dealing with controlling, abusive, toxic, and/or difficult people, boundaries are necessary. I learned about boundaries, how to set them, and their value, once I started therapy six months into being emotionally abused. Although boundaries are helpful, if you are being emotionally abused, they are probably being ignored or argued. This can make them a little less helpful. I say a little less because it is still helpful to know that this person is probably more toxic or abusive than you initially thought. It can still be moving in the right direction having tried to set healthy boundaries and it going awry due to the toxicity of the person you are setting them with. You may be moving towards stronger boundaries to the point of removing the person from your life, and although that may be hard, it is most likely for the best.

The whole point of setting boundaries is to try to make a relationship healthier and to keep people in your life in a safe way. When you respectfully address your boundaries and the other person argues them, that is a red flag. If the person ignores your boundaries, that is a huge red flag. You should not have to constantly repeat or explain your boundaries to someone. When you set boundaries with a person, they should be receptive, understanding, compassionate, and respectful. It should be a positive conversation about how to improve the relationship. That is not always how it goes, unfortunately. Most of the time, you are having to set boundaries with unhealthy people so you will likely receive an unhealthy response.

In my experience, my boundaries were constantly argued, ridiculed, and ignored. Dealing with this over an extended period of time was exhausting and overwhelming. You’re struggling to hang onto your basic autonomy in this situation. You are having to insist that your thoughts, feelings, and life matters. If someone is repeatedly disrespecting you in this way, it becomes abusive. Especially, if this person holds some sort of “power” over you, such as an older family member or a boss, for example. This is because they may try to use their perceived power to intimate or control you. They may insist that they know better than you do or that you are not authorized to set a boundary with them. You can set a boundary with anyone.

They Try to Control You

It can be tough to notice someone trying to control you, especially if you wouldn’t expect it. Someone trying to control you may look like them expecting your time, expecting you to do what they want, and pushing you to conform to their expectations. If you do not do what they say, you are punished. There are a number of ways that an abusive person may try to punish you. Typically, they look for your weak spots and will hit you where it hurts most. They will continue to do this until you are conditioned to conform to them.

I noticed that I wasn’t able to have my own values or opinions when it came to being a parent. My choices were argued and demeaned. I wasn’t allowed to say no. Saying no caused them to become unreasonably upset. I was expected to rearrange my day, my life, and my thoughts to fit this person’s desires. It felt sickening, suffocating, and like I was being controlled. You will feel it when someone tries to control you. It feels wrong. When you know what is best for you and you make a well-informed decision, just to have someone try to rip it apart and change it, you will know that something is not right.

You are allowed to make your own personal decisions. You are allowed to have your own thoughts, beliefs, and values. You are the only one entitled to your time. This is your life! You do not owe anyone anything. You are under no obligation to anyone. People that are controlling may try to convince you that they are entitled to your time, your holidays, your life, your kids, and you. They aren’t. You owe them nothing.

Frequent Arguing

Arguing happens at times. Arguing can be constructive, it can be looking for ways to solve a problem. Although, arguing is typically seen as a negative and can be a sign of emotional abuse. When arguing is frequent, not solution-based, and done maliciously, it is a red flag.

I thought that the arguing was really strange. I had never experienced so much resistance and someone so argumentative before. This arguing was about everything under the sun. I noticed it becoming a problem when my basic choices regarding my baby were viciously argued. It became worse as the person argued facts about what they did. They would argue in circles. It was pointless arguing. It was arguing to deflect blame. It was arguing to paint themselves as some sort of victim. Listening to it could make you feel crazy. It made no sense. It was frustrating and exhausting. That was the whole point of it. The arguing is used as a way to get you to conform, to confuse you, and for the person to get what they want.

Everything shouldn’t be an argument. You should be able to have a conversation with someone about problematic or unhealthy behavior with healthy resolution. You should be able to make your own choices and live your life without someone trying to put their negative opinion in your face. Arguments should be had respectfully and with the goal of bettering the relationship. Arguments should not be used as a way to control or demean another person.

Spreading Lies About You

Another huge sign that you are being emotionally abused is when the abuser tries to control the narrative around you. The abuser will spread lies about you to others to try to isolate you and turn others against you. This is pretty messed up because they are literally trying to grow an army of sorts against you. Now, you get to deal with a whole herd rather than just one bully. Even if the others now involved aren’t necessarily bullying you, just the fact of them hearing negative talk about you and not standing up for you is disheartening. It doesn’t feel good.

I noticed this was happening because of how differently I was treated by others close to the abuser. This happened quickly and slowly at the same time. Suddenly, there was a change in a large group of people’s typical behavior towards me. People stopped communicating with me. I noticed subtle changes that became more drastic. These changes were how I realized that I was being gossiped about. It was strange feeling like you were being talked about, but no one telling you what was being said. I started to find out a few things here and there. As I realized what was being said and what I calculated was being said, it began to make more sense. What never made sense, was why everyone suddenly flipped a switch on me and never addressed any of this gossip with me. I wrote a whole other blog on that, Those That Were Silent. https://allysonnbennettt.com/2024/03/04/those-that-were-silent/

I want to stress that other people’s opinions and thoughts about you are not important. They mean nothing. You should not worry or concern yourself with them. The only person’s opinions about you that matter, are your own. Keep doing your best and turn away from others pushing their own negativity onto you. It is a problem with them, not you. You know who you are, you are good.

Passive Aggressive Behavior

Passive aggressive behavior can be another sign of emotional abuse. I honestly hate passive aggression because it is someone dancing around aggression. It is someone literally laughing at you like, “ha ha you can’t catch me.” It may feel confusing and as though you are being thrown off balance. Although, you can catch them. You can definitely call out passive aggressive behavior by asking what a person meant by what they said, letting them know that what they said was not okay, or by asking them if something is wrong. I wish that I had done one of these things in the moment, but I was really thrown off by the comments being said. I was also struggling a lot back then and not mentally in the best place to think of a response to address it.

For me, being treated passive aggressively was a lot of unkind comments, a threatening sounding voice, and negative body language. This felt icky, strange, and didn’t make a whole lot of sense. It was confusing and weird. I kept thinking, did I just hear that right? I also kind of wanted to pretend like it wasn’t happening. There were also times when the passive wasn’t so passive. I was called names and spoken harshly to. It was straight up aggressive. At least with those instances the abuse was more straight forward which made it less confusing.

I think being treated passive aggressively is like just one ingredient in the emotional abuse pie. Meaning that, you are already so beaten down that you don’t have the capacity to handle the passive aggression. You can ask the person to explain themselves, but once they explain their way out of the unkind comment, they are just going to do it again. Maybe in an even more passive way, but the thing is they know that you know what they mean. It gets so sticky. You can definitely shut it down, but you will need to also create boundaries. For example, we are going to end our visit once you make a passive aggressive comment. Again, this is all very exhausting and why I love being no contact.

You Feel Scared to be Around Them

If you feel uneasy, unsafe, and scared to be around a person, that is a reason to put your guard up. You should not overlook or ignore that feeling. That feeling does not come up out of nowhere. There is a reason that your mind and body are rejecting a person. It is a huge sign that they are toxic towards you. Even if you are trying to minimize or make excuses for their behavior, your inner unconscious being feels the truth. The unconscious part of you is trying to send signals and messages to the conscious part, warning you to protect yourself.

I never felt especially comfortable around this person, although it quickly declined as the emotional abuse went on. It got to the point where I felt uncontrollably anxious and sick at the simple mention of their name. Being in the same room was suffocating. It got so bad that I needed to greatly distance myself. I was unhealthy. It is a huge, huge red flag if you feel physically ill to be around a person. For awhile, I thought this was a problem with me. It wasn’t. I didn’t create this feeling out of nowhere. This feeling was the result of being emotionally abused for an extended period of time.

Conclusion

If you can relate to these signs and feel like you are being emotionally abused, you should absolutely reach out to someone for help. I think that finding a therapist that specializes in this type of abuse is so helpful. I talked to general therapists and that was still very beneficial. There are also great support groups out there that you can join to talk to others going through similar things. It can feel really isolating, lonely, scary, and hopeless being in this kind of situation. You should not have to go through it alone. You are not alone.

Any type of mistreatment or abuse is not okay. You should never put up with abuse. It does not matter who the person is, their title becomes irrelevant when they mistreat you. Distance yourself and protect yourself. Learning about emotional abuse can be really helpful to recognizing and understanding what you are experiencing as well as how to protect yourself from it. I hope that my personal insight can aid you in realization, protecting yourself, and healing. I am not a therapist or professional in this sort of field, I am just writing from my experience. In my case, it helped me a ton to read others experiences so I hope that this does the same for you.