The parenting books that I read definitely didn’t prepare me for dealing with difficult in-laws immediately following the birth of my baby. I was not prepared for the nightmare that ensued. Pregnancy, giving birth, and parenting are a walk in the park compared to dealing with toxic in-laws.

Difficult or toxic in-laws can be a stormy cloud over what should be one of the most magical times in your life. Becoming a mother is a truly incredible thing. Watching your baby grow is bittersweet, but amazing. You want to enjoy it as much as you can. The people around you should be supportive, caring, and loving. Your inner circle should not take away from this precious time in your life. People that matter make things easier, not harder. If your in-laws are making your life more stressful or taking away from important moments, this is your sign to put an end to that. This is your motherhood.

It’s Your Turn

It’s your turn for holidays, birthdays, vacations, and new experiences. This is your time to create new memories and enjoy the magic of motherhood. It’s your turn to make your own decisions for your own family. You can do whatever feels best and right for your family. This isn’t to say that you aren’t including others, it’s just that if you don’t want to follow “the old family tradition” you don’t have to. Also, you are under no obligation to include others, especially if they take away from your experience.

You are not a child anymore and you are not ruled by your parents or your spouse’s parents. You are an adult. With your own child. Parents of adults have had their turn. Being a parent is a privilege and an honor. Being a grandparent is a privilege and an honor. I think that it is important to respect the role that you are in. As a parent, I can respect a grandparent’s wishes, yet I do not have to bend over backwards to fulfill them. I can say no. If a grandparent can’t respect that ultimately it is up to the parent, then they are setting themselves up for failure. If you want to be the grandparent with limited or no contact, than by all means, act wild.

You’re the Mother

The mother and father are two of the most important people in their child’s life. (This may be different for different family situations, but for the purpose of this article, I am focusing on a healthy mother with her baby.) As the parent of the child, you are the one to set rules and expectations. You are the one who knows your child best. You are the one taking care of your child and raising them.

Extended family is great, but a child won’t miss out on toxic extended family members. Healthy, loving grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins can add to your life. People aren’t perfect and when you’re related to someone there may be more conflicts than you’d like. Although, there is a difference between a conflict and abuse. When an extended family member is abusive in any way, they are no longer welcome in the child’s life. That is not healthy and we do not excuse abuse here. I will not be raising a child to turn a blind eye to abuse of any kind.

This is Your Life

You only have this one life. You deserve to live it and experience raising your own babies. You deserve to soak in your motherhood. You don’t deserve to be bullied, pushed around, guilt tripped, or abused. If someone can’t be a part of your life in a healthy way, they do not need to be a part of your life at all. It truly does not matter what their title may be. That all becomes irrelevant when they decide to treat you poorly over and over again.

You should live a happy, fulfilling life of your choice. You shouldn’t let anyone take your happiness, peace, or your life from you. You shouldn’t let anyone ruin your big moments or eras. If you notice someone repeatedly being unkind or tearing you down, you should set boundaries and distance yourself. Life is too short to put up with constant negativity, mistreatment, and abuse.

Your In-Laws Don’t Own You

You did not marry your in-laws. Your in-laws aren’t in control of you and they have no power over you. You may have given them some power over you by wanting them to love you and giving into everything they have wanted. So, in that sense you may feel like they have some say in your life, but you can take your power back. Healthy people understand that they do not control you. Healthy people see relationships as a two-way street. On the other hand, unhealthy people see relationships as an ownership. Trying to navigate a relationship with an unhealthy person requires boundaries. If healthy boundaries don’t help, creating distance or limiting contact can be best.

Your in-laws do not own you, you are under no obligation to them, and you owe them nothing. In healthy relationships, you do not feel pressure to constantly win someone over or to try to keep them happy at all costs. You feel safe, respected, and loved for who you are. There is no conversation about what you should be doing for them or how you aren’t meeting their expectations. After dealing with unhealthy, toxic, difficult, or abusive people, you begin to realize why it has to be said that another human being does not own you.

It’s Not Hard to be Kind

If your in-laws can’t be kind and respectful, they do not need to be involved. It’s really not that hard. You would think that this would be common sense. Unfortunately, that is not always the case. There are actually people on this planet that seem to get something out of trying to bully, control, and tear down others. There are actually some people on this planet that would rather play games and paint themselves as some sort of victim in a situation, than to try to do anything to solve their issues. People like that can’t be helped. If you can’t find it within you to be kind and respectful, don’t be surprised when you are no longer welcome.

No one should be expected to keep someone around who is constantly belittling and putting them down. No one should have to deal with a person shoving negativity at them. No one should have to walk through their life with a bully grabbing tight onto the back of their shirt, holding them back. That is no way to live. If a person can’t find the decency to be kind, they simply don’t need to be involved.

Conclusion

You shouldn’t let your in-laws, or anyone for that matter, ruin your motherhood. This is your time. You should respectfully do what you need to do to protect your motherhood, yourself, your child, and your family. Unfortunately, toxic people do exist. Unfortunately, sometimes those people are related to us. Luckily, it is 2024 and we no longer have to put up with abuse or toxicity. We can stand up for ourselves now. It still may be a little taboo to cut out toxic family members, although we no longer care what society thinks. We would rather enjoy our lives, live peacefully, and be in a healthy mental state.

I do think that it is best to try to work things out, talk things through, and do what you can to fix a situation. I’m not saying to toss out family members like moldy leftovers. Although, there does come a point where it is not healthy or safe to keep trying. Once a person has become too abusive, it is time to let them go. You can’t suffer to please another person and you shouldn’t. You can only do your best. It is up to the other person to also try to make things work. With toxic or abusive people, it can be unlikely that they will make an effort to work together to create a healthier relationship. If you are constantly trying to fix things and they are too busy making things worse, you will likely go insane unless you create distance and space from them. Sometimes the only thing left to do, is be done.

I wish you all happy motherhoods and healthy (extended) family dynamics!