Cue the fireworks, champagne, and noise makers, we are celebrating one year of no contact! That may sound harsh to anyone who has never dealt with a toxic family member or maybe it sounds harsh even if you have. If you have gone through so much damage and have had to rebuild yourself, you may be able to relate with me. I feel like this is a time for celebration. One year ago, we finally put an end to the emotional and narcissistic abuse. One year ago, we took our lives back.

I have cried over the time that was stolen from me. I tried my hardest to enjoy my first year of motherhood, but man, was it difficult doing so during the emotional turmoil another person dragged me through. Looking back, I really did my best. There was nothing I could do different to change things. The only thing I could have done was blindly obey my abuser which would have sent me crazy and I wouldn’t have been true to myself. I wouldn’t have been protecting my baby. It also wouldn’t have stopped this person from continuing to put me through hell. Honestly, what I went through wasn’t fair. I know, I know, life isn’t fair. Although, it was really uncool to have a person ripping my motherhood experience from my grasp, especially when I was newly postpartum.

The only thing that I would have done differently was to have firm boundaries before it all began. I would have not allowed visitors until a few weeks after my baby was born. I would have protected myself fiercer. It would be great to say that I wouldn’t have let other’s words hurt me, although I had just given birth. I was so vulnerable and dealing with so many hormones. No new mom deserves to be treated so badly by people who are supposed to be “family.”

Going No Contact

Going no contact was our last choice. My therapist at the time had said that it sounded like we were headed towards estrangement. I didn’t even know what that word meant back then, I had to ask her. Honestly, when she told me that it meant to no longer communicate with a family member, I felt a sweet, peaceful relief at the thought of that. I craved it. It sounded really good to just be done dealing with the craziness and bullying. I was really barely surviving. I was hanging on by a sliver of a thread.

I’m not going to get into the nitty gritty of it, because it is a long story for another day. All I have to say was when that final straw for us happened, I felt more good than bad. Sure, the things that were said to me were really messed up. Yet, knowing that there was nothing left to say was a freeing feeling. If you’ve ever had someone berate at you to the point where you know that there is no going back, you can probably relate. It’s like, well, that sucked, but it was actually kind of worth it so that it can all finally be over.

Since what was said to us was really something you can’t respond to, we did not say we were going no contact. We just left it all as it was. The flying monkeys swooped in immediately. The next day, there was more gasoline poured into the fire. More insane messages. That week felt like that meme of the dog sipping tea sitting at the table surrounded by flames. We survived it, though.

Going no contact was the beginning of peace. It was the water settling after a hurricane. I felt better than I had in a long time. I was still in a very bad mental place back then. I had PTSD and was not myself in many ways. I was terrified of life, easily angered by tiny inconveniences, not sleeping, among many other negative things. I was thankful to be ending contact, although I knew the road ahead would be bumpy. I knew that more upsetting things would still happen.

Healing

Healing from all of the trauma has not been easy or smooth. It’s been one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. It has taken everything in me to save myself and heal. It has taken the entire year and I’m not done yet. I am a million times better, but I know I still have work to do. I have big goals for where I’d like to be mentally and emotionally. Honestly, this has opened up a window into getting more out of life. I now know what I deserve and what I don’t. I see things more clearly and know what I want. I want a peaceful, happy life. I know that life is not always happy. I know that bad things do happen. I am working on handling bad things better. I want to be my healthiest self for me, but also mainly for my child.

Healing was not linear. I had days where I felt great, but I also suffered through really tough days. I had a lot of days where I felt like I wasn’t really living. It was like I was trying so hard to enjoy moments, but for some reason I just couldn’t. Around the six month mark is when I started to notice significant progress. I was able to go long periods of time without any intrusive thoughts or flashbacks. I was able to actually start to be in the present moment again. It felt like such a relief to be able to feel comfortable and safe in my own head. I started to feel less easily triggered more around the nine month mark. It is strange because I kept telling myself that one day I wouldn’t have the thoughts, or the triggers, or the nightmares. Then, one day happens. I wouldn’t realize it at first, but the next day I’d suddenly notice that I was able to fall asleep. I’d feel this warm, calm realization that I didn’t have any nightmares or my nightmares were very mild. It is beautiful getting to that “one day.”

I am so proud of myself for working so hard to heal. I overcame my own self. I was in an awful mental place in the beginning. I fought through it and never gave up. My advice for others beginning healing would be to take it easy and start small. First, remove the trauma from your life the best that you can. I believe it is near impossible to heal while still dealing with ongoing trauma. Next, focus on the basics like sleeping, eating whole foods, and exercising. My sleep was wrecked and I was so exhausted from living in survival mode for so long. Having a newborn was nothing compared to living in a constant state of survival. I also had not been exercising as much because I wasn’t eating well so I had little energy. I started eating more whole foods and vegetables, as well as making it a goal to walk every day. I started with fifteen minute walks, moving to twenty and then to thirty daily. After I had gotten myself to living like a basic human again, I started reading self help books and putting myself back into the world. I would also advise anyone healing to lean on others when needed or talk to a therapist. Lastly, just keep going. You may feel like it isn’t working or you are doomed. I felt like that. Now, I am in a completely different place and so thankful that I kept going.

One Year Later

Now, one year later, we are in a much different place. I am back to being me. I don’t overthink or question myself, I know that I did the best that I could. I know that I tried really hard to make things work. Yet, you can’t force another person to be kind. You can’t force another person to treat you with respect. You can’t fix another person, you can only protect yourself from them and work on your own self. I know that I did not deserve how I was treated and what I went through. I went through a little stint of feeling anger and sadness for what happened and what was taken from me. Now, I know that I will never let something like it happen again. I will never lower myself or put myself out for someone who continues to hurt me. I no longer feel the negative emotions that kept me in the abusive dynamic. I feel no pressure or obligation. I am finally at peace.

It has been a full year of no contact and life is good again. I am not perfect, but I no longer get triggered easily, feel panicky when the topic is brought up, or anxious. I am finally not having as many nightmares. I am living again. I have survived and I am able to celebrate this year of rebuilding myself without the emotional abuse. That isn’t to say there weren’t text messages and stuff, there were. We just ignored it. We don’t care. We don’t have time for guilt trips or breadcrumbs. It is a relief to be out of that abusive cycle.

I know that we absolutely made the right choice by removing ourselves from the toxicity a year ago. It has made our lives easier, healthier, and happier. Not only that, but the people have not changed. They likely never will. One year ago, the emotional abuse reached a new level. Instead of any accountability or an apology, they piled on harder. Even now, an entire year later, there has been no accountability and no apology. I think that really speaks for itself. If a person was healthy, kind, loving, and supportive, not only would they have never been abusive in the first place, but they would have made things right if they did mess up. After everything, I’m good with it all now. I’m at peace with no reconciliation and no contact.

Final Thoughts

No contact has been life changing. I am no longer living with constant emotional abuse, fear, anxiety, and depression. I have been able to heal and feel like a person again. I am able to be the mom I want to be. I am able to protect my child and give her a happy childhood. That is everything to me. No one asks for an abusive family member. It is not something that anyone wants. When we are faced with adversity or a problem, the only thing we can do to help ourselves is to solve it. No contact was not our first choice. It was our last resort. Now, I am just thankful to have survived it all and to be in a safe, healthy environment.

I highly recommend no contact as a last resort option. I think that a lot of people may assume that people who go no contact have done so without thinking, too quickly, and after only one measly issue. After experiencing this all myself, I know that is not the case. I know how difficult it is to make the decision to cut contact with a family member or person you’ve once been close to. I know that the decision comes after numerous attempts to fix the issues and the relationship. I know that it sucks to hear other people’s opinions on a very complex decision that you had to make for your own health and safety. For those who understand, you did the best that you could and I am happy for you that you are taking care of yourself. That is incredibly brave and you are inspiring. For those that don’t understand, you are very lucky and I hope that you never have to experience the utter hell of having an abusive family member.

Going no contact can change your life for the better. It has for me. I hope if you have no other options left, that it does for you, too.