Hello and welcome to this quiz designed to help you with your decision to either repair the relationship or to go no contact. As a disclaimer, I am not licensed or a professional, I am simply writing based off of my own experience. My hope for this quiz is to help others think more about what may be best for them. Trying to repair a relationship with someone abusive, narcissistic, or toxic can be really difficult and stressful. Sometimes the only option left is to go no contact. Going no contact is not a decision made easily or lightly. In my case, I did tons of research, went to therapy, and ultimately the decision was more or less made for me with an escalation in the emotionally abusive behavior. I am putting this together because I truly believe that reading the experience of others as well as information online is incredibly helpful. I learned an immense amount and was better able to handle the entire situation partly thanks to those who shared information online.

Was There a Timely Apology?

If there was a genuine apology within hours to days following the inappropriate, unkind, toxic, or abusive behavior then that gives reason to ponder working towards repair. If the person is truly remorseful and works to make sure that the behavior does not happen again, that shows promise for the relationship to be repaired. The wrong-doing party must take accountability. If you feel certain that the apology is real and genuine, give yourself a point for repair.

If there was not an apology or the apology was weeks to months to years later, then no contact is a safer bet. Sometimes toxic or abusive people will throw out an apology to try to pull you back in. These apologies are usually void of accountability or genuine remorse. They can be more of throwing fault on you with the “I’m sorry that you thought…” or the “I’m sorry but you…” If you received an apology that made your gut feel uneasy or no apology at all, give yourself a point for no contact.

Changed Behavior or Recurring?

If the person has changed their behavior and treats you respectfully, kindly, and lovingly, then there is good hope for repair. We are all human and we all make mistakes. It is important that we take accountability and work to better ourselves for the future. If a person made a mistake that hurt you, but they are remorseful as well as accountable, the relationship may be back on its feet in no time. It really all depends on what the behavior was and how the offending party handles it. If the behavior has changed for good, give yourself a point for repair.

If the toxic, abusive, or unkind behavior is common or recurring, the relationship may be unable to be mended. You can’t change another person. The other person has to be able to self-reflect and change for themselves. If you are constantly having to address abusive behavior and have exhausting conversations that never lead to change, it is probably best to step away from the relationship. If the behavior happens over and over, give yourself a point for no contact.

How Bad Was the Behavior?

Was the behavior a miscommunication or a small mistake? Or was the behavior thought out, malicious, and intended to cause you harm? This is more interpretive to how badly the behavior impacted you. Maybe the behavior wasn’t so bad on paper, but caused you great harm for one reason or another. This truly depends on your interpretation and how the behavior made you feel. Do you feel like you can work to move forward after the behavior, or did it go too far to come back from? Whichever way your gut, brain, and heart lean, either give yourself a point for repair or a point for no contact.

Have They Talked About You Negatively to Others?

If the person is not talking about you negatively to others, give yourself a point for repair. You may not be able to know for sure what the person is saying about you, but a good indictor is how mutual friends or family treat you. If mutual friends and family are being normal and treating you well, you are probably safe to assume that there is not negative talk going around about you.

If the person is spreading lies, rumors, gossip, or their negative opinion about you to others, give yourself a point for no contact. You will most likely be able to pick up on this. You can tell by how others close to the person treat you and act towards you. If they are side-eyeing you, asking odd questions or saying things that make your eyebrows raise, or even giving you the cold shoulder, you may start to feel like they are hearing something negative from someone else. This can take time, but eventually can become pretty evident. You may even hear from others what the person is saying about you. All in all, this is very toxic behavior and a very valid reason to stop communicating with the person.

Are They Damaging Your Mental Health?

Is the person adding to your life and well-being? Do they try to make you feel included, safe, and loved? Do they make you feel good about yourself, more confident, and bring out the best in you? If overall this person brings out happiness and peace in you, then give yourself a point for repair.

Is the person sucking your energy and causing you stress? Do you feel like you are walking on eggshells, overthinking, and feeling drained when you have to interact with them? Do they make uncomfortable or unkind comments that stick in your brain? Are they isolating you from others or arguing constantly or any other form of emotional or physical abuse? If you feel like you are struggling with your mental health whenever this person is around or interacts with you, this is a sign to consider no contact.

How Do You Feel Around Them?

Do you feel good when you’re around them? Do you feel happy and do you have fun when you are with them? If you have a nice time and can relax when you’re in their presence, then give yourself a point for repair.

Do you feel bad when you’re around them? Are you feeling uneasy, uncomfortable, or another negative feeling when you are with them? Are you feeling miserable or defeated when you are in their presence? If you feel negatively while around a person, or your gut is burning, this may be a sign to lower or cease contact.

Is the Relationship Really Worth Fixing?

Deciding whether the relationship is really worth fixing is completely up to you. Is this a person that you love and value? Is this a person that is just going through a hard time? Or is this a person who although you may love them, is truly dragging you down? There is never an excuse for mistreatment, although if someone is genuinely remorseful and working to better their self, there is hope for repairing the relationship. On the other hand, there are people out there with no sense of empathy or self-awareness. There are people who see nothing wrong with their abusive behavior. These people can be friends or family members. When you are faced with someone who is unwilling to treat you better, this is when you are faced with the difficult decision to continue this tumultuous relationship or to close the door on it. So truly ask yourself, is this relationship worth fixing? This answer is rarely black and white. Trust yourself on this.

Conclusion

It can be really difficult to navigate some relationships and even more so when the relationships are confusing. Relationships can go through ups and downs, as we are all human and make mistakes. It is another story when the relationship is abusive or toxic to you. I can bet that you will instinctually know inside whether the relationship is healthy or not. Although, when you’re being emotionally abused, it can be tough to trust yourself and listen to your gut. Hold on tight to your own inner voice, it can be your light that guides you out of the darkness.

Add up your points for repair and your points for no contact to see where you fall based off of this quiz. The goal of this quiz is to help you organize your thoughts and gain clarity on a confusing relationship. I am not saying that you should repair the relationship or go no contact. This is just a basic questionnaire for you to work through your thoughts and maybe add a little different perspective to your potential situation. You know what is best for you, trust yourself and listen to yourself.

I hope that this quiz helps you to think more about what is healthiest for you! Again, I am not certified or anything like that, I am simply writing from my own personal experience. I am writing about things that I wish I had read more about when I was going through this stuff. I recommend talking to a professional or therapist if you are experiencing a confusing and/or abusive relationship. I hope that this finds its way to those who may benefit from it. I wish you all healthy relationships!