As I wrote that title, I thought, wow. Never in a million years would I have guessed that this is where I would be. Writing about toxic family, protecting my marriage, healing from trauma. Yet, here I am. Writing about this crazy stuff no one ever imagines will happen to them. I truly hope my writing about this helps others out there going through this. It is so crazy. When you are going through it, it can feel so confusing, lonely, scary, and so stressful. So here we go, let’s talk about how to protect your marriage from toxic family.

If you have toxic family members, your life is probably difficult regarding that. Family can be a big part of life. A lot of people have grown up being told that family is the most important thing, that blood is thicker than water, or some sort of line like that. Family is really important, when it is healthy. When it becomes toxic and abusive, that is where things get murky. Some people believe that you should put up with being abused because of the title someone holds. I absolutely do not agree with that at all. If someone wants to be in your life, they can treat you respectfully, kindly, and with love. If not, bye.

It is vital to protect your marriage from anyone toxic, but especially from toxic family members. Since these people probably hold some value in your life, with their toxicity, they may use their position to sway you in the direction they’d like. What I mean by this is, if you have a toxic family member that does not like your spouse, they are most likely going to try to drive a wedge between you and your partner. This is why learning how to protect your marriage from toxic family is so important.

Communicate

Communication is the key here. It is always important to communicate, but when you’re dealing with insidious family members, this is make or break. You have to talk about what is being said and done. You have to communicate your feelings, boundaries, and everything under the sun regarding this issue. Having an open line of communication helps eliminate the blows that the family member may be trying to throw. For example, say your mother-in-law is trying to convince your husband that she is doing her best and has tried to make plans to visit, but you have vetoed every request. If you have communicated thoroughly with your husband, he will be aware that you have tried your best to work with your mother-in-law, but the two times that she asked you to visit, were the day of and you were busy. He will be able to better see the ways in which his mother is trying to cause issues between you two. You and your significant other are a team. Teams have to communicate well to win.

By not communicating properly, you risk not understanding each other, being sucked into the toxic web of lies, and letting these people ruin your happiness. You have to talk through what is happening. These may be tough conversations to have, but they are so needed. If you have a family member talking poorly about your spouse to you, you should inform your spouse of what is being said. That may be an unpopular opinion, but think about it for a second. If someone you thought you could trust was talking badly about you, wouldn’t you want to know so that you could protect yourself from them? After all that I experienced, I would rather know than be in the dark. It is a very uncomfortable feeling not knowing who you can trust. Also, it is important to note that if a family member is talking about your spouse negatively to you, you should be sticking up for your spouse, but we’ll get into that more shortly.

Protect Your Spouse, Always

I really shouldn’t have to say it, but unfortunately I do. You should be protecting your spouse, always. When you stood at the alter and said your vows, you promised to protect the person you put a ring on. If your mother is saying cruel things about your partner, that is not okay. If your stepfather is insinuating that you leave your wife, that is not okay. If your brother is spreading rumors about your husband, that is not okay. Anything that is harmful towards your spouse needs to be addressed and put an end to. You should also be considering whether you should be around people that treat your spouse poorly or talk badly about your spouse. Protecting your spouse looks like setting strong boundaries with people who are not safe for your spouse. That may be hard, but your spouse doesn’t deserve to feel unsafe. Your spouse doesn’t deserve to be married to someone who is okay with other people putting them down.

When you marry someone, you expect to be safe with them. You shouldn’t have to worry that they aren’t sticking up for you or that they are listening to others talk badly about you. I mean seriously think about it. Can you imagine your spouse sitting there and listening to his or her family berating you behind your back? It feels really sickening when you truly imagine it. Or maybe it just feels like that when you’ve lived it. After experiencing this, what I would recommend if you are in the midst of someone being unkind to your spouse is to get up and leave. You can tell the person that what they said or did is not okay and you will not be around them when they behave that way. Distance yourself or if it does not end, cut ties. Do what you need to do to protect your partner.

Stand Up for Your Spouse

Standing up for your spouse kind of goes with protecting your spouse, although it is a little bit different and needs to be said. You can protect your spouse sort of without standing up for them. This may look like absorbing the blows and not telling your spouse the unkind things being said. You may think that you are protecting them by just taking it, but you are doing your spouse a disservice by not standing up for them. You need to stand up for your partner. You should be addressing the toxic behavior and bullying talk. As a spouse, you need to tell your toxic family that they are not to talk about your significant other in that way. If it only continues or gets worse, standing up for your spouse looks like discontinuing the toxic relationship with the abusive family member.

Standing up for your spouse is essential. You are most likely the only person that will stand up for them. You need to do this so that you can hopefully put an end to the abusive behavior. If you do not stand up for your spouse, your toxic family may relish in that. They may continue their mistreatment until it gets to be too much for your spouse to handle. So, by not standing up for them, you are kind of making things worse. If you try to defend your partner and your toxic family elevates their abuse, you have your answer. It may really hurt and suck to lose your family of origin, but what kind of family puts you in that situation to begin with? That doesn’t sound like a healthy, loving, or happy family to me.

Set Boundaries and Create Distance

It is so important to set boundaries with toxic family members and to create distance from them. Toxic family can be poison to not only you and your spouse separately, but also to your marriage. Typically, toxic people are pretty controlling and will expertly collect as much rein as possible over you. Until you start to put up necessary walls and cut off their power over you, they may very well be terrorizing your life. Toxic people can be draining to deal with and deplete your emotional bandwidth. You may struggle in various areas of your life when you are carrying the burden of a toxic relationship with a person. That is why you have to protect yourself and put up walls so that this person can not wreck havoc on your life.

Setting boundaries with toxic family may look like meeting in a neutral location, arranging visits ahead of time rather than last minute, not allowing unkind behavior or comments, or leaving when mean things are said. Boundaries are set to try to have a healthier relationship with the toxic or difficult person and to protect yourself. Although, boundaries do not always work with toxic people. You may need to create distance by meeting once a month or every couple of months, limiting phone calls, or taking a break from contact. No contact is typically a last resort option used when the abuse and toxicity continues to the point where you can no longer take it.

No Contact

When all else fails, no contact is here for the win. Going no contact with toxic family can be tough, but it can greatly improve your quality of life. Unfortunately, there are people in this world who are abusive, who won’t do inner work, who don’t self-reflect, who actually enjoy hurting other people, and who are simply evil. Hitler had family, too. Sometimes you have to just open your eyes and accept that a person you may care for is not who you thought they were or wished for them to be.

No contact is no communication. It is blocking and removing a person from your life. It is that final step you take in protecting your marriage or yourself from someone so maliciously set on ruining your happiness. Deciding to go no contact is rarely an easy or quick decision, but it is one that will give you your peace back. You will be able to focus on yourself, your marriage, healthy relationships in your life, and your life in general. Cutting ties with a person who treats you poorly is life changing in the best way. It is life changing for your spouse if you cut ties with a family member terrorizing them. It shows your spouse your love, respect, care, and protection for them. It can also draw that final line in the sand where you clearly are showing the toxic person that you will not be dealing with any further abuse. They can then get the help that they need, do the inner work, and work on healthy changes. I would not wait around or expect this to happen, though. Especially if the toxic person has narcissistic qualities, they most likely will throw out some breadcrumbs, guilt trips, and never take accountability. The toxic person’s reaction to your no contact is usually very validating that you made the right choice. I say that and I know that no contact is no communication, but they usually find a way. Just keep ignoring, blocking, and protecting yourself from the crazy.

Conclusion

Protecting your marriage from toxic family can be one of the most difficult things you may do. Toxic family members really put you in a strange, uncomfortable spot. They literally make you choose between them and your spouse. In a lot of the videos I’ve watched, I’ve heard this powerful saying which goes something like, “you don’t have to choose between your spouse and your family, because you already did. You chose your spouse on your wedding day.” This is true. Plus, healthy people do not put you in a position of having to choose one or the other. I mean, eventually after enduring toxicity or abuse, your spouse may make the choice to be done with your toxic family. They may even be questioning your relationship. I think that is logical, I mean, if you are not protecting them from toxic family and are watching them suffer, that doesn’t seem like true love to me.

When your family of origin tries to rip apart the family you created, ultimately you are making a choice. Either you are choosing to protect your spouse as you promised to do on your wedding day, or you are choosing to enable your toxic family members. You are never not making a choice. By pretending it isn’t happening, waiting years for it to end, or any other form of pushing it to the side, you are not choosing your spouse. It sucks and it’s terrible that your toxic family members put you in this position. You can absolutely mourn that and should work through that with a therapist. Yet, what you should not do is be complacent. Do not let your toxic family cause chaos in your life. Do not let your toxic family cause misery in your spouse’s life.

No one wants to have to deal with toxic people, especially toxic family. It isn’t easy having difficult conversations, setting boundaries, and everything else that comes with a relationship with someone toxic. Although, this really sucks, it is what it is. That means, you have to just deal with it. You have to figure it out, make tough choices, and move on with your life. When you married your spouse, you promised that person that you would put them first, love them, and walk beside them through life. If your abusive mother, father, sister, brother, aunt, uncle, or whoever tries to come between you and the person you married, that has to be that. Your toxic or abusive family member cut their own self off by behaving that way. To let a family member continue to treat your spouse poorly is ultimately you breaking your promise to your spouse. I know that this isn’t easy. I know that this sucks. Your spouse didn’t choose to be abused and you didn’t choose to have abusive family, although you have to play the hand you’re dealt. Protect your spouse and protect your marriage.