I couldn’t count all of the times I heard, “it takes a village,” while I was pregnant. I specifically remember one time when I was around five months pregnant and some in-laws were talking about how we should live closer to them. I don’t remember specifics besides one person who looked at me intently and said, “it takes a village.” I think it was said because I was not very open to discussing my husband and I moving close to his hometown. We lived close to his hometown twice before and the areas are just not my cup of tea. The experiences weren’t my favorite for a multitude of reasons, but for one, I was looked at like a weirdo for having tattoos. I constantly was getting uncomfortable remarks and comments from strangers because I have some simple, peaceful tattoos. Anyways, small towns are nice and each have their charms, although I prefer a little more diversity in every sense of the word.

When I was hearing about this “village,” I kept feeling a sense of it being a threat. I’m a pretty independent person and don’t like to rely on others. Yet, I wanted to think it was a nice sentiment. I decided to believe that.

When I gave birth and things immediately started on their downward spiral with the in-laws, I realized that a village of haters is a nightmare. Whenever I would hear, “it takes a village,” I would almost gag. Cue Patrick on SpongeBob, “we should take ~the village~ and push it somewhere else!” If only it were that easy. It was hard to focus on my actual “village” because I was too consumed with the anxiety and pressure of trying to fix all of the issues with the nightmare one. After months of trying to fix something broken beyond repair, I realized all I wanted was for them all to just leave me alone.

Ignore the Haters

Here is a secret I wish I had known, the village doesn’t actually matter. What matters the most is that your baby is healthy and has a loving parent(s). The home that your baby grows up in matters. It is important that the baby’s caregiver is kind, loving, caring and all of the good stuff. As long as you are taking care of your baby, outside people aren’t as important. It is great and an added bonus if the baby grows up with loving extended family members such as grandparents, cousins, aunts, or uncles. Although, it isn’t going to negatively affect your child as much to not have a large extended family as it would to be around toxic or abusive family members.

It becomes even easier to ignore the haters when there are loving, kind and caring family members actually acting as that wonderful, talked about village. Focus on them. Do things with the people who are actually acting out of love and respect. It can be tough to block out the negativity, but life becomes much more peaceful once you do. I ignored it all until I decided I wanted even less to do with the negativity and that is when I blocked those that said some pretty messed up things. I’ve had to remove a lot of people from my life, virtual and real, but it has been for the best.

The Right Village is Effortless

The people that love, respect and care about you will make it known. It won’t be forced, it’ll come naturally. You won’t have to feel uncomfortable or uneasy around them. The right village will respect your boundaries and make you feel heard. The right village will help in the ways that you actually need help. There is such a drastic difference in a genuine village and one full of secret haters.

If it feels wrong in any way, that is a sign to look deeper into why there are feelings of unease. Sometimes things can be worked through, other times the issue is deeper. Either way, you either strengthen a relationship or lose a dead one. It is a win-win. It is important to listen to our gut and address what needs addressed. It can be more hurtful to let an unresolved issue linger and it can lead to the issue expanding. What’s right feels right, what’s wrong feels wrong. Trust yourself.

Focus on Yourself and Your Baby

Postpartum and motherhood are about you and your baby. Everyone else has either had their turn or will have their turn, if they choose to. You are not obligated or should feel expected to cater to others or give them the experience they desire. The most important experience is yours and your baby’s. People that act out of love and kindness will also have a great experience fulfilling whatever role they may hold. People that are cruel and difficult will not. That is not your fault or your problem. Every person chooses to act how they act and every person has the choice to grow.

Motherhood is such a special and amazing journey. It should be treasured and respected. Your babies are only babies for so long. People that care about you, will want the best for you and want you to soak up your motherhood. It’s the village of haters that tries to rip away your bliss and enjoyment. It’s the haters who make things really difficult day after day and continue to pile on as you feel yourself fading into depression. The haters have got to go. Remove them as soon as possible and focus on yourself and your baby. When you look back, you will want to remember the wonderful moments with your child, not how another event or moment was ruined by a hater.

Conclusion

If you are cursed with a village of haters, first of all, my sincere condolences. Second of all, please do not give haters excuses or any more of your precious time. Figure out who they are, talk to them to see if the issues are able to be resolved, but then focus on you. Ignore them, block them, and set boundaries to protect yourself. A village of haters can be detrimental to every aspect of your health and they take away from monumental moments in your life.

If someone cannot be kind and respectful, they do not deserve a precious spot in your life or any of your valuable time. We all deserve healthy relationships and to get to experience the most out of our lives. We should not allow ourselves to be held back by people who do not care enough about us to treat us with basic decency and kindness.

It doesn’t “take a village” to raise a child. It takes at least one loving and kind parent. Other people will naturally flow in. Whether that be healthy family or friends, teachers, babysitters, or whoever. The key word is healthy. The child needs healthy, caring and loving role models. The child does not need bullies, abusers, and toxic individuals. If the village is full of haters, it’s time to leave the village. Better people are out there.