Within one year, I experienced giving birth, becoming a mom, postpartum healing and emotional abuse. That last one, the emotional abuse, was the one that really seemed to suck the life out of me during that year. Sleep deprivation, learning to be a parent, recovering from giving birth, postpartum, you name it, was all a walk in the part compared to being emotionally abused.

I just read something the other day which inspired me to write this blog. It was about how difficult postpartum is and how suffocating postpartum depression can be. It was about supporting new moms however you can because they may be silently suffering. Whenever I read things like this, first of all, I am so glad that this information is being shared. Second of all, I get a little fired up. Like… could those people have waited to bully me until after postpartum?

That’s the really messed up thing, though. Some people made deliberate and active decisions spanning the course of a year to bully me when I needed nothing but support, love and kindness. It’s sick. To try to tear down a woman who recently gave birth is cruel and inexcusable. I don’t know if I would’ve suffered postpartum anxiety or depression if things had been “normal” for me. I got to experience both, but it was due to other people trying to tear my life apart. I got to feel severe anxiety due to hormones plus emotional abuse. That was really cool. (I have to be sarcastic about it, it was so messed up.)

Be Kind to Postpartum Women or Leave

It should be easy, it shouldn’t have to be said, but be kind to postpartum women. This is one of those times in life when kindness really matters. Postpartum women may already not be feeling like themselves. They are taking care of a whole human who came out of their body. Their body is healing and changing from that. They aren’t getting enough sleep. They are worried about keeping their newborn safe and healthy. They do not need to be worrying about other people’s grievances and drama.

Did your daughter-in-law ask you to please wash your hands before holding her baby? Either do it like a normal, hygienic person or don’t hold the baby. Don’t do it with attitude or with some passive aggressive comment. A new mom doesn’t need to worry about your issues with washing hands or upholding a small boundary. It doesn’t matter what it is. When you are communicating with a postpartum woman, be nothing but kind. Be understanding, caring, loving and respectful or leave her alone. If you feel that her boundaries are too extreme, that is a you problem. Respect her boundaries or stay away. This is a short period of time that can feel really long and intense for the postpartum woman. Let her do her thing, respectfully.

What is Wrong With You?

If you have been bullying a postpartum woman, what is wrong with you? Honestly, I am wondering. In my situation, I ended up learning that I was dealing with a narcissist. So, that explains what was wrong with those people. I got to deal with the narcissist plus all of their enablers. I mean, understanding narcissism it makes sense why I was attacked at my lowest, but man, what an experience. Not something you want to go through after giving birth.

If you cannot be kind to someone who is in one of their weakest points in life, you need to figure out what is going on with yourself. There is just no way to excuse it. You have to be really unwell to bully a postpartum woman and then turn it around on her. It is also pretty crazy to listen to an elder adult talk poorly about a postpartum woman and not question what is wrong with the adult. Of all of the times to bully someone, postpartum is not it.

I want to emphasize again the fact that some women deal with very intense and difficult postpartum periods. There are some devastating and tragic stories about women who have not made it to the other side of postpartum. So why in the world would anyone tear down a postpartum woman who may secretly be battling depression? Why in the world would anyone tear down another person in general? It is nothing but messed up. It is not okay. Rather than criticizing and bullying someone else, maybe you should do some inner work to better yourself.

Postpartum Women, Shut Out Bullies

To all of the postpartum women out there, shut out the bullies. It doesn’t matter who it is. If someone is wearing you down when you’re already worn down, they need to be less involved or to be uninvolved completely. This is not the time to deal with other people’s issues. This is your time to heal, bond with your baby, adjust to this new way of life, rest and everything else that is actually important during postpartum.

In my experience, I wish I could’ve shut out the bullies sooner. Due to the circumstances I was faced with, I had to suffer through past the point of too much. This made my healing process much more difficult and lengthy for me. The amount of time plus the weight of what I had dealt with was a lot for me to handle. After all that I experienced, what I would recommend to a future new mom is to create and set clear boundaries ahead of giving birth. Make sure that you and your partner are on the same page. Talk through what steps may be necessary if boundaries are violated. Stand up for yourself if you feel like someone is pushing you or making things difficult. They may not intend for that, but it is important to address it. If they don’t handle you addressing your feelings well, take a large step back. This is not the time for complications that are unnecessary. Therapy and being honest with your healthcare team are helpful. Also, be honest with your partner. Even if it is difficult. I hid what I was dealing with until it was too much for me to handle which made things harder. Do not keep anyone around who does not show you grace, care or respect. You are allowed to take a break from any relationship that is causing harm.

Postpartum women, you are so brave, strong, and worthy. You deserve to enjoy and soak up this time with your newborn and the family you created. You deserve to enjoy this time with those who you love and who love you. You deserve to be seen, heard, respected, valued and cared for. You should do whatever you need to do to keep yourself healthy and to be the best mom for your baby. You are allowed to set boundaries, make your own decisions and stand up for yourself. You do not have to walk on eggshells or try to make other people happy. This time is not very long, but it can feel really long. This time is one in which you need the people around you to be loving, caring, understanding and respectful. If someone cannot be those things, you need to really figure out if it is worth keeping them around. You are allowed to set boundaries and walk away from unhealthy relationships, no matter who the person is.

Conclusion

Obviously bullying someone is never okay. Bullying someone who is already going through something? That’s just evil. You never truly know what another person is feeling or experiencing. Unless of course you ask them, but even then, you don’t feel their feelings. Even if you have empathy for another person and their suffering, you may understand or feel for them, but you still don’t feel it as heavily yourself. What I’m trying to say is that, for example, when someone is feeling depressed, you may be able to feel that, but you yourself are likely not sitting up all night every night with the feelings that other person may be experiencing. You yourself aren’t currently aching deeply in your heart. You may be able to relate because maybe you once felt similarly, but it’s just different for each person. The point being, we should all treat other people respectfully and kindly because we don’t know what they are carrying.

Emotional abuse is insidious. A person that is emotionally abusing you is deliberately attempting to cause you harm. It isn’t a misunderstanding or a mistake. Emotionally abusing someone is never okay, emotionally abusing someone at a weak point in their life is demented. It may have been much less difficult for me to navigate being emotionally abused if it didn’t happen to me while I was in the postpartum fog. Experiencing that kind of treatment during postpartum made it that much more intense for me. At the same time, I am finding my peace with it. I am so thankful that I survived and it is all over. I am thankful that those people are no longer a part of my life and that I no longer have to cater to them. I am thankful to know the truth and to have seen their true colors. I am thankful it happened when it did so that it had less of an impact on my child’s life than it could have at another time. It would have been awesome to have had a great postpartum and new mom experience. It would have been awesome to have gotten to experience each milestone and all of the first’s without the constant anxiety. Although, that was not in the cards for me.

New moms and postpartum women, I hope that you all have a wonderful experience. You all deserve it.