“But they’re family…”

That is a phrase that will end with me. I think that family is important. To me, nothing is more important than my child and my husband. I love the rest of my family as well. I just am focused on my immediate family first and foremost. I am so grateful to be able to be a mother and wife. My goal is to always remember how lucky I am to hold those titles and to hold them with respect. That means to work on myself and be my healthiest self to honor my family.

Some people do not feel as though they need to self-reflect, grow or respect others. I can’t tell you why, but people like this exist. People like this can be family. You can be related to someone abusive, unkind, cruel or toxic simply because they are out there. They didn’t appear out of the ground or fall from the sky. Abusive and toxic people have families.

It’s more likely than not that at some point in your life you’ve heard the excuse, “but they’re family.” Whether it was over something minor or significant, someone’s title was used to excuse their bad behavior. A lot of people believe that family is family whether they are healthy or not and you have to put up with it. After my postpartum experience, I strongly disagree. I no longer listen to excuses for family member’s bad behavior and I know that I do not need to put up with abuse. It doesn’t matter who the person is, if they are abusive and refuse to take accountability or change their actions, they are out. I don’t have the time or energy for their unhealthy behaviors or the effects they have on me. Emotional abuse is insidious and you don’t know how bad it is until you’ve lost half your mind.

I know that family and people are not perfect, but I also am able to make informed decisions based on the circumstances. I know who is safe to be around and who isn’t. Having a child changed my entire life in many ways, one of which is no longer excusing toxic or abusive behavior. If I didn’t know or value my own worth before, I sure do now because it affects my child. If someone is toxic or abusive to me, they are toxic and abusive to my child.

Toxic to Mom, Toxic to Baby

A family member who treats you poorly, is treating your child poorly. It is not okay for a child to witness a family member being unkind to their parent. A child should not hear unkind things being said about or to their parent. This is not healthy. A child should grow up around safe adults who are respectful, kind and loving. Otherwise, it is best to limit or end contact with an unsafe adult.

It can be confusing and upsetting for a child to hear negative things being said about their parent. It can affect the child’s self-esteem and affect how their feel about themselves. It also is an inappropriate demonstration of disrespect and bad behavior that the child is being shown. There is no blessing in disguise or hidden light that comes from any negative behavior being displayed around a child. None.

Another way that being toxic to a mother can affect her baby, is by damaging her health. It is hard to be the best mom you can be while going through abuse. Any form of abuse can wear a person down and affect their health negatively. In my case, I experienced emotional abuse which had numerous negative effects such as unhealthy weight, lack of sleep, nightmares, loss of appetite, anxiety, and depression. All of these things made being a mom difficult. I had little energy and didn’t feel like myself. I tried my absolute hardest, went to therapy, went to the doctor, but it wasn’t until cutting out the abusive person that I was able to begin to heal. My child did not deserve me at my lowest. I will never let it happen again.

Unsafe Family Members

Usually it will be fairly easy to determine who is a safe family member and who is not. Safe family members respect boundaries, listen, take accountability, apologize, work on themselves, and are loving. Unsafe family members gossip, argue, lie, ignore boundaries, say unkind things and just overall make you feel bad. Usually you will get a feeling that someone is not safe. You just won’t feel right around them.

It is up to you to determine who is safe and who is not. It is important to listen to your gut and heart. While protecting your child, you are going to have to make difficult or unpopular decisions. The people that do not respect those decisions may end up as unsafe people as well.

In my own experience, it began with one very clear unsafe person. It began with a family member arguing boundaries, spreading rumors, acting passive aggressively and causing issues. This led to more family members becoming clearly unsafe by saying unkind and inappropriate things. Then even more family members became unsafe by excusing, dismissing, and ignoring the abusive behavior. At the end of the day, I only trust those who have proven they are trustworthy. People that listen, care, respect and love us. My child will not grow up around abusive people or people that turn a blind eye to abuse. My child can learn how to deal with difficult people when it is appropriate and without being traumatized as a child.

But How Do I Protect My Child?

There are many different ways you can choose to protect your child from toxic family. You can set boundaries and then honor them. This may look like only meeting up with a toxic family member a few times each year and leaving as soon as the family member begins acting poorly. You can cut toxic family members out. This is my preferred method because it just eliminates the problem immediately and entirely. You don’t have to deal with the stress and difficulty of managing a toxic, abusive, or unhealthy relationship. You can focus on healthy relationships, yourself, and your child.

You can teach your child about toxic and abusive behavior as well as not excusing it. You can teach your child boundaries, how to say no, and how to protect themselves. This may not be appropriate if you have a baby or a very young child as they won’t be able to understand it, yet. In the case of a baby or young child, you could protect them by being present and alert while around the toxic family member. You could set and hold various boundaries such as no kissing, wash your hands, short visits, no holding, etc. Whatever you feel is right and you feel comfortable with.

Protecting your child also looks like standing up for them. Do not let anyone treat them poorly or talk negatively to them. You can tell the toxic family member that their behavior or words are not okay. You should tell your child that what happened was not okay. I would also personally stay away from people that make your child feel bad, disrespect them or put them in danger. No one is worth keeping around at the cost of your child’s safety.

Your Kids Come First

The most important people in your life should be your kids. They come first, always. It is important to set aside your guilt, feelings and other people’s judgements. It can be hard to shut out the outside world, and it’s not that you have to, although it is best to shut out the toxic negativity. You have to get yourself to a place where you are listening to yourself and not letting others manipulate, guilt-trip or pressure you into serving their best interests over your children’s.

Your children should not have a relationship with toxic family members because it isn’t healthy. It really isn’t fair to them. They are young, innocent and don’t understand abuse or difficult people. This can be a very confusing and upsetting experience for them. It can create lasting trauma that they will later have to work through. Your children deserve a healthy, peaceful and happy childhood. I think I said this earlier, but they will encounter and have to deal with difficult people later in life. They shouldn’t have to work through this as young children. I know that every situation is very different and there are some instances where it isn’t possible to keep them away from a toxic person. This goes outside of my experience and I cannot speak on it as I do not have the insight or knowledge.

As healthy parents, we love our kids and want the absolute best for them. We want to give them the healthiest and happiest possible childhood. In doing so, we have to make a lot of unpopular and tough decisions. We can’t change another person or their behavior. If a family member cannot act appropriately, respectfully and kindly, then they have chosen to remove themselves. It shouldn’t be hard to act well. As parents, we should not be excusing an adult’s abusive or toxic behavior, especially when it can hurt our children.

Conclusion

“But they’re family…” is an excuse that needs to be retired and thrown out. There is really no excuse for saying that excuse. If someone has had to end contact with a family member due to the toxicity and abuse, others shouldn’t be looking for excuses for the abusive family member. It should be shocking and horrifying that a family member was abusive, not that the victim removed themselves from the abuse. It is just so backwards. To make it all worse, kids are expected to fulfill their role for these abusive family members. Everyone just turns a blind eye to abuse and pretends like it doesn’t exist. Anyone who calls it out is viewed as the problem.

In my experience, I am fine with being labeled as the problem and the villain as long as my child and I are safe. I don’t care what others think. Mine and my family’s peace, happiness and health are more important. It took me having a child to realize all of these faults in our society. It took me having a child and experiencing what I did, to break the generational trauma. My child does not deserve all of the hurt that comes with a toxic relationship. My child will not be treated poorly by family members.

Family should be safe, healthy, kind and loving. If it’s not, it’s not family.