By the time that this blog goes live, it will be the end of October so this is a pretty spooky topic for Halloween. It is currently the end of August as I am typing. I am ahead of schedule with my blogs and am pretty proud of myself. Being ahead gives me time to work on other things and actually relax during my free hour. Anyways, I am in the mood to talk about the long and winding road of recovery after emotional and/or narcissistic abuse.

Emotional and narcissistic abuse are not easy to recover from. I am a few months into the second year of no contact with the narcissist and I still do not feel completely healed. I’ve never broken a bone, but I think that one would heal faster. It is exhausting and draining trying to put in the work to heal, yet feeling as though the steps forward are so small. That’s why I feel compelled to write about the hard work it takes, but also the not so pretty version of it. It’s great to promote all of these positive ways to improve and heal your life, they really do help. Although, I think it is important to address the fact that these things are not easy or cheap. It is important to shine light on the fact that yes, this sucks! It sucks that you can’t choose these healthy things for yourself without cause and that they are kind of your only option to working towards feeling normal. It sucks that we can’t just feel normal. So this blog is for anyone who is frustrated and exhausted with their healing process. You’re not alone.

Therapy

Therapy can be super helpful while dealing with and healing from abuse. But can we talk about the fact that therapy is thrown around as if it’s something easily attainable? Yes, it is beneficial and important for people struggling. Yes, it is something that sometimes you have to do even if it isn’t easy. Which sometimes it is not. By the time this blog is posted, I will have started therapy again. I know I need it. I’m not going to lie though, I did cry over the price. Searching for affordable therapy is a process in itself. Trying to find a therapist within my insurance, who also works with the issues I need addressed, who I feel I may be a good fit with and all of the other questions that go into starting therapy, is an exhausting feat.

It would be cool if therapists had a free consultation where you could ask them questions and see if the fit is right for you. Maybe they do, I haven’t found anyone who offers this, though. Paying over a hundred dollars for less than an hour session is brutal. It adds up so fast. Insurance doesn’t kick in until after I spend thousands, thanks insurance for the help. Everyone’s situation is different. Some people may be able to obtain cheaper therapy or find their perfect therapist match right out of the gate. For me, it hasn’t been that easy. Since the emotional abuse began, I have had a couple of other therapists who have helped, but also it felt like it stalled out after awhile. I need meaningful advice on furthering my healing, not a session spent tapping my face and chest. Maybe I’m missing something, but personally, tapping is not something I’m going to do when I feel overcome with anxiety. It is not something I have ever thought about attempting in my hard moments. For me, I have pulled myself out of the moment by either a quick vent or exercising or some other distraction.

Regardless, I highly recommend therapy. It is important to talk to a professional, get help and work on yourself. Everyone probably needs therapy. I do think it is also important to talk about the hardship of getting to therapy and finding what works for you, since it can be really tough. I would also like to mention the frustration that you may feel if you have to go through this entire process and pay all of this money to heal from something another person did. I know that it isn’t healthy to get into this victim mindset, but man, the frustration can creep in. Overall, even with all of the difficulties, cost and time, therapy is important. It is important to do everything you can to heal yourself.

Healthy Habits

Eating nutritious foods and working out are great habits to have throughout life. Whether you have had them before or not, keeping them while enduring abuse can be tough. Living in fight or flight mode can make it a chore to eat because when you do have an appetite, it may not last long. My stomach was always churning and anxious so eating didn’t sit well with me. When I did eat, it was usually junk food. My sleep was atrocious. It took me hours to fall asleep and when I did, I would wake up frequently from horrifying nightmares. Usually relating to my situation. I was exhausted, but sleep was near impossible. With little energy, it was hard to exercise. I usually wouldn’t.

After ending my abusive situation, I knew that I needed to get back to healthy habits to heal. I was really tired and still living in fight or flight for awhile due to C-PTSD. Heck, it’s been a year and a handful of months and my sleep is still not very good. Although, a few months into no contact was when I started to get pretty exhausted. I had to take lots of naps. It took serious effort and concentration to get my sleep, exercise and eating back to a healthier place. So, if you are experiencing this, know that it is extremely hard to rebuild your life. You are doing incredible. Keep pushing through and make all of the good choices that you can. Eventually, you will sleep, eat and move like a normal human again.

You feel like you’re at ground zero having to restart and rebuild all of your healthy habits again. This can be harder if you leaned on unhealthy habits throughout the abuse. It can be harder depending on how much the abuse impacted you and your body. It is beautiful to have healthy habits and it is so refreshing once you get there. Yet, getting there can be brutal. Even though it’s hard to restart, do so, because you are worth it.

Getting Through the Day

Most days are just getting through. Most days are forcing yourself to do the healthy habits and make it to bed time. Most days are trying not to let the intrusive thoughts dictate the day and trying not to crumble. Getting through the day sucks. It isn’t truly living. It is surviving.

It is sad because for awhile, getting through the day was the best I had felt in awhile. Before, getting through the day was barely surviving. Once I began no contact, the majority of the next year were full of days of getting through. They weren’t necessarily bad, but they definitely didn’t feel like living. They were hard. It was hard to cook, clean and do all of the things you have to do to live. I was battling intrusive thoughts and reliving my trauma in my head. I would try to do things such as shopping or go for an adventure somewhere to try to get out of my head. Sometimes it would work for a little while, until the thoughts came creeping back in.

It is brutal living to get through. It aches. Although, one day you will suddenly be hit with a day where you didn’t have to try to get through. It will be like normal life again. Everyday tasks and living becomes easier. The best part so far for me was feeling genuine happiness and excitement again. I had almost forgotten what those feelings were like without the weight of the trauma. I have embraced excitement and try to relish in the feeling every time I find something that makes me delighted for life.

The Lost Time

It can be so maddening knowing that you are losing precious time and then also looking back on the time you’ve lost. Losing my baby’s first year of life to emotional and narcissistic abuse was one of the worst things to ever happen to me, if not the worst. I wish I could go back and cut those people off sooner. Although, I know that things had to happen the way they did and I am thankful to be free of the abusive people now. It still hurts. That time was everything. I guess, this also just solidifies for me how truly awful the situation was and the people are. It is also frustrating seeing your life pass by while painstakingly trying to heal from the abuse.

There is no way to sugar coat it, you kind of lose time to abuse. Sure, you learned and you grew. You made changes to better your life. Although, it still doesn’t feel good or fair. We shouldn’t have had to lose so much to learn a lesson. Also, why was it so imperative to learn this lesson in such a hard way? Again, this isn’t the healthiest way to think, but haven’t we all thought these things at one point?

For me, I wish I didn’t lose that time. I really tried my best to enjoy that first year with my baby, even throughout what I was dealing with. I know I didn’t deserve to be treated so poorly during my first year as a new mom. All of which is why I will not lose any more time. I am doing everything I can to heal and leave it all in the past, forever. It happened, I won’t be silent about it or forget it, but I can live my life without it hanging over me. I can share the hardest lesson I’ve had to learn to hopefully help others and also, not feel bothered by it anymore.

Conclusion

Trauma and abuse of any kind are ugly. They can really mess you up and it can be tough to get your life back together after. It can take a really long time to feel any semblance of normalcy again.

I started writing this blog on a day where I felt particularly defeated and drained. I felt so overwhelmed by all of the work I have been putting into healing, the time and the money. It’s a lot. As I finish this blog up, I feel differently. I feel calmer, more at ease and accepting of it all. I do think that writing about how tough it can be is important because it is in those tough moments when you feel most alone. It is when it all gets to be too overwhelming when you need validation that yes, it sucks, but it is also worth it to keep going. It is okay to feel angry at what has been taken from you, that is perfectly normal. It is normal to feel frustrated that you’re doing all of these things, it is costing you in many ways and you didn’t deserve what you went through. You didn’t want to end up struggling to simply live. I know that there probably isn’t much good to take away from your trauma, if any. I just hope that you’re able to keep going, to heal and to become a better version of yourself. All of the good that comes from your trauma is not coming from your trauma, it is coming from you. Your strength, resilience, dedication, healing and self-love.

You are not alone. Keep going, others like us are rooting for you.