It can be tough to stand up for yourself, especially when it comes to in-laws or family. A lot of the time we would rather ignore strange or unkind behavior in the hopes that it ends. We would rather let people treat us poorly than call it out because we know deep down that it will change everything as we know it. When we feel stuck or silenced, it usually means that we either need to work on trusting ourselves or that we are in a toxic situation. Sometimes, we may just need to be brave and have the hard conversations that can heal the relationship. Other times, we need to say what is necessary because we have to break out of the toxic cycle before it breaks us.

I used to struggle a lot with having hard conversations. College really helped me with this, but more so my life after college did. I had a toxic job situation in which I stood up for myself. I ended up quitting after being told that I could go work at a factory or McDonald’s if I wasn’t willing to work the outrageous hours with the low pay. All I wanted was one full day per week off work or a higher hourly wage. I was so nervous to even have the conversation about how what I was doing wasn’t working for me. Yet, I was brave and spoke my truth to my three bosses. Being treated as if I was nothing and as though my health wasn’t important (I was working at a gym lol) left me feeling as though I had no choice but to quit. I felt in my gut that I did not want to work for people like that. That hadn’t been my first rodeo with a toxic work environment and quitting, although I think that after that moment at that silly gym, I really expanded on my ability to have tough conversations.

From there, I grew so much through other opportunities and life events. I really feel so much gratitude to those who I last worked with and the job I had. That job really helped me grow and build up my confidence. I learned so much there. Not that it matters, but to give a bit more insight, I left to prioritize my family. Being a mom is everything to me and is my full time job right now. Anyway, all of that to say, these experiences helped to prepare me for the nightmare that was my in-laws after I gave birth. Nothing fully prepares you for the people that are supposed to be “family” turning against you, although, being more resilient as a person helped me survive.

Respectfully Discuss Your Feelings

I try not to assume. I think that it is so important to have honest and respectful discussions to try to solve problems or prevent them altogether. If you are dealing with someone healthy, a respectful conversation should lead to problems being solved or at least working to solve them. There should be progress. If you are dealing with a toxic person, a conversation may make things worse. This isn’t to frighten you. It is so important to know exactly what you’re dealing with. You don’t have to get hung up on what you are dealing with, but it is important to be aware. For example, it took me a while to realize I was dealing with a person who has narcissistic tendencies. Learning this helped me navigate the situation better and make informed decisions about how to handle it without going insane.

Respectfully discussing your feelings is being vulnerable, honest and open. It is being calm and careful with your choice of words. The goal is to mend the relationship or fix a problem. It is best to have this conversation in person or over the phone. If you have an idea that you are dealing with someone toxic, I would recommend a phone call. For me, that was how I had these conversations since in person wasn’t an option at the time nor would it have been best. If the conversation is not going well and leading to heightened emotions, it may be best to take a break. You can either resume the conversation later when both parties have had the chance to think and relax or you can end the attempt altogether. In cases with toxic people, conversations can be draining and confusing. If things aren’t getting better, than you may have to take a step back from the relationship.

Establish Boundaries

Everyone has boundaries. It’s just whether or not we are more or less forced to articulate them. For example, I need time to myself without my phone. I do not need to reply to all my missed calls and texts explaining that I was taking time to myself. I just respond when I can and want to. On the other hand, at times we have to communicate our boundaries. Sometimes we communicate them in advance, such as letting people know that we are not allowing anyone to kiss our babies so as to protect them from getting sick. Sometimes we communicate them after something happens that makes us feel uncomfortable. Boundaries can be a wide range of things that depend on many factors. To keep it as simple as possible, boundaries are your way of protecting yourself.

Establishing boundaries with in-laws can be hard. It is best if your spouse communicates your boundaries to their parent in a “we” sense. For example, your spouse tells their parent that you both need a heads up before the parent shows up at your house. Although, there are some cases where you yourself may need to set the boundaries. In my case, my husband set boundaries, although there were times I needed to clearly and directly also state my boundaries. In my experience, I did this by respectfully communicating what I was okay or not okay with. For example, in one instance, I asked for a few days’ notice when it comes to making plans. I prefer to make plans in advance and I am not always available the day of. By setting boundaries myself, I was able to avoid any potential miscommunication or lack of clarity. I was also able to be direct and stand up for myself.

Boundaries are not demands, a way to control another person, or keeping someone out. Boundaries are ways to help the relationship remain healthy and safe. We all have things that we are not okay with. It is important that we communicate those things respectfully so that we don’t build up resentment or put ourselves in situations that are not healthy. If someone responds poorly to our boundaries, it is a sign that the boundaries are needed. It may also lead to more boundaries. We deserve healthy relationships. We do not deserve to be abused or treated disrespectfully.

Create Distance and Limit Interactions

After you’ve respectfully discussed your feelings and established healthy boundaries, you may next need to create distance and limit interactions. Creating distance and limiting interactions is a boundary. It is one that is very necessary if things are still getting worse. If your boundaries are not working, you may need to take things a step further and start to remove yourself from the toxic relationship. This doesn’t have to be specifically addressed, it can be something that you just do. Examples include: declining invitations, staying at gatherings for short lengths of time, not answering phone calls, or not being the one to make plans.

Creating distance and limiting interactions can be incredibly helpful for your own health and it can also be helpful for the relationship. It can keep the relationship intact rather than simply ending it altogether. In very toxic cases, you may need to go no contact which is ending all contact and removing the person from your life. This is done to protect yourself from a person who is hurting you and has no intentions of bettering the relationship or ending the mistreatment.

You are not obligated to make others happy at your own expense, to respond to people immediately or at all, and you do not need to put up with abuse due to a person’s title. You are allowed to distance yourself from people who hurt you and mistreat you. You are allowed to take a step back or a break from a relationship that is draining you. Relationships are supposed to be healthy and how we have a sense of community. They are supposed to be places where we feel heard, seen, loved and cared about. If a relationship is not positive, it is okay to distance yourself from it. You do not need to feel guilty or make excuses as to why you should be suffering. You are allowed to stand up for yourself and protect yourself.

Practice Self-Care

Through it all, it is important to practice self-care. Self-care is important in every day life, not just while dealing with toxic in-laws. Although, while dealing with toxic in-laws, self-care is something that needs to be more highly prioritized. It is important to care for and love yourself, especially when others are trying to tear you down. You must remind yourself that how another person treats you is not reflective of you, it is reflective of them.

Practicing self-care looks like respecting yourself, honoring yourself and listening to yourself. It is not just face masks, chocolates and bubble baths. It is trusting your gut feeling, setting healthy boundaries, taking space for yourself and keeping your self healthy in every aspect. Self-care is honoring your needs. It is saying no when you need to say no. It is removing yourself from a situation or event that makes you feel unsafe. It is advocating for yourself. Also, yes, chocolates, bubble baths and face masks help. Along with other things that help you relax and feel peaceful. Practicing self-care helps you stand up to toxic in-laws because it keeps you grounded in you. If you are able to know and love yourself fully, you will be able to take necessary actions to keep yourself safe. It is much easier to navigate and deal with toxic in-laws when you are confident, secure and self-aware.

Conclusion

Standing up for yourself against toxic in-laws can be difficult, stressful, exhausting and frustrating. It sucks feeling forced into a corner, having to stand up for yourself in order to keep functioning well. It really sucks when you have to do this with people who shouldn’t be putting you in that position. Family and friends should be sources of comfort, love, safety, respect, care and enjoyment. They should be the people that you feel closest to and are able to be the most vulnerable with. Unfortunately, not everyone is blessed with a loving, healthy family. Sometimes, family can be the place where we feel the most unsafe and disrespected. When that becomes the case, we have to do something about it to protect ourselves. It is important to stand up for ourselves because we love ourselves. We don’t deserve hurtful, abusive relationships.

I believe that it is important to show yourself love and care by standing up for yourself. I believe that when you stand up for yourself you should do so respectfully, kindly and calmly. It can be really tough, especially when someone is lying to you or talking down to you. Yet, it is important to stay true to yourself. In my experience, I successfully stood up for myself by respectfully communicating how I felt, establishing healthy boundaries, creating distance, limiting interactions and practicing self-care. I also would recommend therapy which helped me throughout the whole ordeal. It can be really helpful to talk to a professional and work through the complexity of toxic in-laws with someone experienced.

You are allowed to stand up for yourself.