It has been a minute since I’ve been able to write. I’ve been busy (in a good way). I want to take a moment to write about the craziest part of narcissistic abuse- feeling crazy. The one thing that I haven’t been able to shake has been feeling crazy. I’m not sure how to explain it so that someone who hasn’t experienced it can understand, but I will try. It is like having your brain shaken up and it’s still rattling around. It feels like it won’t stop moving. It is a hundred thoughts at one time. It is questioning everything constantly. It sucks. I hate feeling crazy and overthinking everything.

Luckily, I don’t constantly feel crazy. If I’m in my own little bubble, doing my healing work, I feel good. It’s if I mess up my routine too much, don’t do certain “healing” things, and if I talk to people too much. I have to make sure to check all of my boxes like eating healthy, exercising, reading or writing, cleaning and focusing on being a good mom. My bed has to be made. It can be really hard to make sure to get all of these things done in one day. Lots of times they don’t all get done and I have to mentally work through that. Sometimes I beat myself up over it, but I try to work through those feelings. It’s harder for me to work through the thoughts and feelings associated with being social. Sometimes when I talk to people, I overthink too much and struggle to stop thinking even after conversations. Do they think I’m crazy? Did that come out wrong? Am I annoying? Do they even like me? To be so honest, I don’t feel like anyone really likes me. I feel like I am too messed up. I used to feel good about the relationships in my life, but after the whole thing I went through, I don’t feel confident about them anymore. I don’t know how to talk to anyone.

So often, I question myself and how I am as a wife. Am I toxic? Does my husband love me? Am I a good wife? Am I messing my husband’s life up? I feel so bad for him. He deserves to be surrounded by love and kindness. He didn’t deserve to have so many people make his life hard. I hate that I was one of those people, I tried and try every day to make his life easier. That situation was just too much for me. It was overwhelming. I can’t go too much into this because this is a bit raw for me to share. I’m still working through a lot of these feelings.

One of my least favorite parts about feeling crazy after narcissistic abuse is the questioning what happened. Was it really narcissistic abuse? Was it that bad? Could I have handled it better? What is wrong with me? Why did this happen? Did I deserve it? Am I too emotional? Sometimes I wish that I got punched in the face because at least I would know for certain that was real. This part sucks because even though I know in my soul that what I dealt with was not okay or healthy, my brain still generates questions. I know in my bones that I needed to get out of the situation. I feel so much better being no contact and free. I feel like myself again. Yet, after the whole thing my brain is so disoriented at times that I can’t help the questions and overthinking. I wish I could turn it off.

The crazy feelings and thoughts after narcissistic abuse only get worse with outside negative opinions and comments. After going through this, healthy isolation, therapy and validation is the best thing for healing, in my opinion. Healthy validation is so important for healing because of the constant overthinking, crazy feeling, intrusive thoughts and questioning. Yet, it can be hard to get validation. That is why therapy can be so helpful, because a professional can help remind you that you aren’t crazy and it is actually normal to feel this crazy way after narcissistic abuse. In my experience, I read and heard a lot of things that dismiss this kind of abuse. People seem to dismiss narcissistic abuse because the term narcissist is frequently misused or overused. Yet, every single situation is complex and different so it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to immediately dismiss other people’s experiences without the whole story or without living it. All I know is that normal, healthy people do not treat other people poorly and try to tear other people down. Normal, healthy people apologize and are able to make things right or leave people alone. They don’t continue treating someone badly or escalate the unkindness. Besides the dismissal, people also have pretty typical comments such as “but that’s family,” “forgive and forget,” “life is short,” “there are two sides to every story,” and more. People who say these things may not realize just how damaging these stupid little comments are. These comments are like little daggers. They make the confusion and overthinking worse. The outside negative opinions and comments are part of why I felt like I needed to write about this stuff. I felt like I was going to explode with all of the questioning, confusion, dismissal and negative comments. I think that the more people who experience this speak out and share their stories, the more survivors can feel safe, validated and work on healing rather than stay stuck in this whirlwind of crazy.

I could probably go on for days about the craziness of narcissistic abuse. Probably because of the crazy that it sparks in my brain. Yet, I know that normal, healthy me is not crazy. I don’t want to hurt people. I want to live my life, I want to be the best person I can be for everyone in my life. I want to feel happy, safe and at peace. It makes me feel good to do good and see others doing good. I don’t feel happy seeing others unhappy. I care about others and I care about the impact I have on others. As I continue to iron out my brain and my thoughts, the crazy feelings slowly diminish. Unfortunately, the crazy is the thing that hangs on the longest, though. Even my nightmares have started to settle down. I can actually sleep most nights. The overthinking and crazy is just like glitter or superglue, it’s very hard to get off.

If you’ve experienced narcissistic abuse or even if you think you may have experienced it but aren’t sure, focus on yourself. Get back to the basics. Focus on what you can control and make your life happy in all of the ways that you can. Eat well, exercise, write, read, clean, do good things, make art, etc. Find a knowledgeable therapist or psychologist. Talk to others who can relate or join a support group. Healing takes time and work, yet healing is possible. Feeling crazy doesn’t mean you are crazy. Maybe one day I will be able to write about how I completely overcame the crazy feelings and overthinking. I’ll be working towards that.