In my experience, one of the extra little difficulties of being emotionally abused is figuring out how to handle the people that stayed silent. I still don’t know if I have a good, solid answer. I don’t really know how to handle the people that sat back while I went through what I did. I think that each individual person is a different case. Some people are young, they have their own lives to focus on, and it really isn’t their problem. Some of them are the same age as the person who dragged me through hell. Some of them listened to whatever my abuser said about me. I think that the people who listened to gossip or lies about me, whatever you want to call it, those are the people I don’t feel any need to continue conversing with. The people that sat back, saw something nefarious going on, and chose to believe the lies, those people are not my people.

The only people that I want in my life are those that I can trust. I only want to talk to and be around people that are safe. I don’t deserve to feel uneasiness or fear in my gut about anyone in my life. I deserve to feel safe and comfortable. It is not fair to myself to keep people in my inner circle who not only did not defend me when I was being talked poorly about, but never came to me to tell me what was going on. I had to find out the hard way. I noticed the way that people looked at me, how they treated me differently, as if I was a wild animal they had to be cautious of. I had people leave my life without saying a word to me. They left because of whatever my abuser told them.

The people that left made things easy, honestly. The people that unfriended me, stopped talking to me, and blocked me, all gave me freedom from them. I don’t have to think about them or worry about them. It’s the people that stayed silent during the year that I endured emotional abuse, during my postpartum period no less, that I have to wrack my brain about how to handle them now when they randomly reach out.

To Respond or Not To Respond

I always used to feel like I had to respond to every person that reached out to me and to respond back in a timely manner. I no longer feel this way. The old urge tugs at me at times, I battle a little guilt, but ultimately I do not feel like I have to respond anymore. I am not required to answer anyone. It is not that I have any ill intentions by not responding to people, I just don’t know what to say. I feel like there is nothing to say to certain people, especially when they say certain things. It is honestly just so complicated.

In the past, I have responded to people that were silent. I actually started a vulnerable conversation after being asked for something I am no longer comfortable sharing with anyone in contact with my abuser. At this point, I have become very private. I do not trust many people. I am still working on healing after what I went through. So anyways, I explained why I was unable to fulfill the request and how if I had validation that the person was someone that I could trust, I could fulfill it. The response I got back was triggering to me. I think it had good intentions, but some of the things said were not safe things. I decided then that I no longer have the energy or space to respond to people who were aware that I was dealing with something and chose to act like it wasn’t happening.

I received a random text about two months ago from another person who sat back listening to garbage about me and who hadn’t reached out for about six months. It was a “Happy New Year” text to my husband and I. I didn’t respond. The person hadn’t said anything to me on Thanksgiving or Christmas. I had been removed from their family group chat as well. It felt so unnecessary to receive the New Year text. Maybe it was out of kindness, but truly, I do not know. I do not have the energy or mental space to take any chances.

Now, just the other day, the person who I did tell some of what I had experienced to, had sent me a text. There were a few triggering aspects of it and it also felt like the person was trying to suck up to me. It just didn’t feel pure. I don’t think that this person is unkind or trying to hurt me. I just don’t feel like it is best for me to answer or communicate with anyone who I am unsure about. They may unconsciously be a flying monkey, or reaching out to me for information for my abuser. I think that it would be different if someone reached out to apologize for being silent or even just to acknowledge that I went through something awful. Or to simply ask why things are the way they are. I mean, it must be a little strange to outsiders that my husband and I haven’t talked to his family in… what… nine months now? You would think that someone would start to question my abuser at some point. Anyways, I truly don’t think that there is any reason for me to talk to anyone who is in connection with my abuser and who stayed silent while my name was dragged through mud.

No Hard Feelings, No Feelings At All

I have no hard feelings for those that stayed silent. I have no feelings at all. There was a time when I just wanted someone to care, but then I cared. I cared for myself. (I do want to add that I have many friends and family that care, that shouldn’t go unnoticed. What I am talking about here is how I wanted someone who was hearing negative stuff about me to care. I wanted someone to be like, “you know, this doesn’t sound right.” I wanted someone to stand up for me.) I didn’t deserve what I went through and I didn’t deserve to have all of those people turn against me without a word. I wish nothing but the best for those that stayed silent. I am not upset with them. Yet, it’s not like I am welcoming them back into my life with open arms when they randomly reach out to see what I am doing. I don’t trust them.

I had to learn over time to not hold feelings. I had to release my feelings for so many people in my life, that it numbed me. Now, if anyone walks out of my life, I just hold the door, close it behind them, lock it up and throw away the key.

I Understand

I understand why they stayed silent. It was probably a really uncomfortable position to be in. They probably did not want to be involved in or dealing with any dumb drama. I get it. I wouldn’t want to, either. Although, after all that I endured, now if I was to recognize the signs of someone being emotionally abused, I would hope that I speak up. I would hope that I reach out to the person being talked about so negatively and listen to them. I would hope that I would not side with the abuser or continue to pretend like the abuser is a decent person.

I understand why people sat back and said nothing to me. I understand that they didn’t want to “pick a side” and go against my abuser. They shouldn’t have to, they weren’t the ones being emotionally abused by the person. Yet, by not “picking a side” they picked a side. I understand why they chose my abuser. That person puts on a really good show. Plus, they knew that person longer. I understand why they acted in most of the ways that they did. It is now their turn to try to understand where I am at when they attempt to reach out. They can choose to understand or not, why I now feel uncomfortable with conversing with them about my personal life. They can choose to understand or not, why I am so protective of my time, energy, and love.

Putting Myself First

I am putting myself first. It is well past time for that. Everything that I do is for my health and safety, as well as my child’s. I am not going to bend over backwards or put myself in an uncomfortable position for anyone who would not do the same for me. I am not going to adjust my boundaries to make others happy. I am not going to worry about how others may perceive me or how putting myself first may make them feel. There was a time when I cared too much. I cared too much about people who didn’t bat an eye when I was newly postpartum dealing with an overwhelming and sickening situation.

I am done explaining myself to people that don’t want to hear me. I am done wasting my time, energy, and attention on people who just want to know what my family and I are doing now. I truly do not know whether it is purely out of kindness or to report back to my abuser. The trust isn’t there since they stayed silent. I don’t know their intentions since they never had an open conversation with me. The best that I got was an explanation of why they felt as though I needed to keep a relationship with my abuser. They didn’t even want to hear what I went through. That to me, is all the answer I need.

Conclusion

Having to figure out how to best deal with people that stayed silent is a challenge. At this point, after all that happened and all of the time that has passed, I just simply listen to myself. I listen to my heart, my gut, and my head. I don’t second guess or question it. I don’t overthink it. Well, I try not to. If my body and soul tell me to not respond, I listen. If I feel safe responding, I listen. I do what I feel is best. I think that is really all I can do.

I can understand why people do the things that they do, to an extent. I am allowed to choose how I respond, or if I don’t respond at all. I have no positive or negative feelings towards anyone who stayed silent. It all just is what it is. I am putting myself first, as I should. I should’ve put myself first a long time ago.

I think that the best thing for someone who stayed silent is to either continue the silence or address it. If they want to have a meaningful relationship with the person that was abused, they should start by addressing their silence. I think that by ignoring it and trying to act like it didn’t happen, there can’t be a meaningful relationship. It is very complicated and every situation is different. I just really believe that it is best to communicate your silence, your care for the person, and try to repair what is definitely damaged to some degree. Otherwise, I wouldn’t expect to randomly resume normal communication after such a long time and so much happening.

Listen to yourself. This stuff is not easy. There was no schooling for how to recover from any kind of abuse. Well, maybe therapy. Although, that is usually after the fact, can be expensive, and can be tough to find the right therapist. Therapy can be really helpful and I highly recommend it. I am just trying to say that no one is ever really prepared for abuse. It is traumatic and hard to recover from. The best thing you can do is to trust yourself. Stay true to your heart. Stay kind, but don’t put yourself in an unsafe position. You deserve peace. You deserve love. Keep prioritizing yourself.