It was my birthday a couple of days ago and I received a text that was kind of annoying to me. I’m not going to directly say what it was, but it was not a warm happy birthday well wish. I wasn’t shocked. Although, I have blocked most of the people by now who have been harmful, I haven’t blocked them all. The majority of the people who sat back and listened to my abuser talk badly about me, as well as the ones who participated in the slander, did not say happy birthday. That was a nice relief. At this point, it is just fake for them to reach out to me with anything other than addressing what happened. I can’t respond, there’s no way to. I mean, I can say thank you, but why do I want to thank someone for a fake and forced happy birthday when they spent a year pretending I wasn’t getting emotionally abused? Or at least, they were believing the lies my abuser spread about me. I don’t know. Personally, I want none of it. I don’t want fake people in my life.

I was inspired by this text though, because it has been a common theme for holidays and birthdays for the past couple of years. Receiving a bland happy birthday with a side of guilt trip, kind of hit me in the face that this is messed up. It’s not cool to use special occasions as opportunities to reach out and make someone feel bad. This is the third birthday I’ve celebrated where I’ve received these less than warm and fuzzy happy birthday messages. I think three birthdays of this is enough. Like I mentioned, each year the number of fakes significantly decreases. I have grown more thick skinned to it all, but it still triggers me. Of course, I am not where I want to be yet and I am working on that.

Special Occasion of Guilt

Have you ever received a text, email, or call on a special occasion that was dripping of something other than love, care, and warmth? If you know, you know. If you haven’t, it’s simply that. It’s something being said that does not make you feel good, when it is a day to feel good. For some reason, these people love to do this specifically on holidays or birthdays or any special occasion. Of course you may get a guilt trip or unkind message any other day of the year, but it doesn’t sting as much as when it’s on a special occasion. These people know that, which is cruel.

People take advantage of happy days and moments to further their agendas. Typically, special occasions are more sensitive times. Like, you typically want to enjoy your birthday or Christmas. You don’t want someone to throw something in your face to try to bring down your mood. For some reason, these people are either so toxic or just insensitive to the fact that a special occasion is not the time for inducing negative feelings. It’s never really a good day to make someone feel bad, but if you’re going to “innocently” send a guilt trip, do it on a non-important day. But also, just don’t make people feel bad.

If You Don’t Mean It, Don’t Say It

If you don’t genuinely care about or love someone, just don’t reach out. Don’t say “happy birthday,” because you feel like you should. Say it because you mean it. Say it because you want that person to feel good and like you care. That goes for any holiday or special occasion. It’s kind of like, if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. I get that just saying happy birthday is not mean, but if it is being said for any other reason than to make the person feel good, don’t say it. Say what you mean. It is better to receive silence than anything fake.

I should be clear that I am not saying that you can’t say happy birthday to people. All I want to shine a light on is that using someone’s birthday or a holiday as an excuse to reach out when you aren’t on great terms, is not cool. It’s not kind to be unkind to someone and then say happy birthday as if everything is normal. That is where the issue lies.

Communicate Any Other Day

If you have an issue with someone, communicate that respectfully with them on any other day. Do not bring up issues on special occasions. Also, do not ignore issues. Well, you certainly can ignore issues but that depends greatly on the circumstances. For example, I am at the point where I am ignoring guilt trips and other non-genuine attempts to reach out to me. I have no more energy to try to explain myself or to talk to people who do not care enough about my well-being. I have tried. I am also not the one reaching out and I won’t be due to everything that has happened. At this point, I feel very secure in my decision to let it all be.

On the other end of things, if you are reaching out to someone and have some sort of issue, it is best for you to address that with them. Do not use guilt trips or other forms of manipulation to try to get some sort of reaction out of them. Again, say what you mean and communicate effectively. Do this on any of the other 300 plus days of the year and not on a special occasion.

How to Handle a Guilt Trip

In my personal experience, the best way to handle a guilt trip or any manipulative message is to ignore it. This really only works well if you have no communication with the person who sent it. If you are in communication, then it is best to directly address it and work through it together. Explain how the guilt trip made you feel and set boundaries moving forward. You can tell the person that if they have something that they feel they need to address, they can do it clearly and on a typical day of the year. You can tell the person that you would prefer them to not reach out on holidays if it isn’t pure.

You can’t really ignore a guilt trip if you talk to the person. It will just keep happening and may get worse. It is best to shut it down. For me, I find it more peaceful and a better use of my time to ignore and block people who do not care about me. I have wasted too much time trying to talk to people, setting boundaries, explaining myself, and beating myself up over situations like this. I’m still wasting some time over these things, simply because I am still trying to recover from it all. I do still struggle with bouts of C-PTSD. I say bouts because it is not what it once was, thankfully. Although, I am not fully healed or where I would like to be, yet. My point with being open about where I am at is that if you continue to be bombarded with guilt trips and manipulation, over time it can really take a toll on you. It can end up being emotional abuse, which is harder to recover from than you may think. One day, you are handling these situations fine, and a few months later you are at the doctor’s office trying to figure out how to cope with the never-ending anxiety.

Conclusion

Take care of yourself and put yourself first. You do not need to respond to a guilt trip and you do not need to exhaust yourself with an unhealthy relationship. Healthy people that love and care about you will make you feel good. They will not be the source of constant and consistent feelings of guilt or negativity. Surround yourself with people who are healthy and kind.

If you are reaching out to someone on a special occasion, make sure to only do so if it is coming from a place of love and kindness. If you have any ill or negative feelings towards someone, just leave them alone. Or address these feelings on a day with no relevance.

As someone who went through emotional abuse, I am a little extra sensitive to people who were aware, yet did nothing, or worse, enabled it. I am able to more clearly see these people’s intentions now. I can read between the lines. It is not hard to notice that someone has an unspoken issue with you when they once sent lengthy, loving happy birthday messages full of emoji’s and it’s now just, “happy birthday.” Oh, and don’t forget the little guilt trip in the second message.

If you know someone who has been talked badly about for a lengthy period of time and you ignored it, realize that they may not feel safe with you. If you have changed the way that you communicate with or treat the person, realize this may be even more of a reason that they no longer feel safe with you. Lastly, if the person tried to open up to you about their experience and you dismissed them, understand that they likely will not feel safe with you. If someone doesn’t feel safe with you, they may not respond or respond the way you want them to. They are likely protecting themselves. Sending them guilt trips only further cements the belief that you are not a safe person.

Guilt trips are not kind. Guilt trips are not cool. Guilt trips are just plain cruel when sent on a special occasion.