It is crazy to think that one year ago I started my blog. An entire year full of healing, sharing my healing and focusing on self-love. After going no contact, I spent the first six months resting, writing and figuring out exactly how to heal. At first, I didn’t necessarily know that I needed to “heal,” I just knew that I was a mess and that I needed to work to get back to feeling like myself again. As I wrote and my book began to come together, plus all of the other healing activities I was doing, I started to realize that healing from emotional abuse is similar to healing a broken bone. You have to rest, but also actively do things to fix it. You can’t just sit around and wait for it to heal, otherwise it will take much longer and may not heal quite right. You have to do the appropriate exercises. In the case of healing emotional abuse, for me personally that was writing, walking, eating healthier, reading self-help books, therapy and also just getting back out into the world gradually. I had to get through many hard moments and days. I experienced difficult triggers and unbearable symptoms of PTSD. I had many sleepless nights, panic attacks, crying, intrusive thoughts and more.

After the first tough, but beautiful in a dark sort of way, six months of healing, I began branching out even more. With writing my book, I realized that sharing my experiences could maybe, hopefully help others. I always thought back on how reading Jennette McCurdy’s book helped me. If it wasn’t for that book, would I have ever been brave enough to attempt to address the emotional abuse I had been experiencing? Would I have been able to see life outside of the emotional abuse? Would I have gained inspiration to focus on myself and heal myself? Maybe, but that book definitely helped me. At the very least, it helped me feel less alone. I was still working on my book, more so working through editing on my own, when I started my blog. I began my blog as a way to help others sooner than waiting to hopefully publish my novel. I was terrified to start a blog. What if people that I care about think of me differently for sharing personal thoughts with the world? What if I experience more emotional abuse because of it? I was worried about losing the peace I was working so hard to gain. It wasn’t an easy decision, I had thought of starting a blog before I even began working on my book. I’d say the decision overall took around eight to nine months. Once I decided to just dive in, I dove. I paid for my site and started writing.

So now, a year later, I have shared thirty blogs. Through these blogs, I have healed, worked through experiences, learned, published my book and really found myself again. I had some hard days, but much less. I have handled triggers much better. I have tried different ways to heal and have listened to my soul. I have lived much more life this past year. My intrusive thoughts finally starting going away last spring. I’ve realized who is really safe and who is not.

Overall, I am just amazed and proud of how far I have come. I have faced many challenges and have worked through them. I have put myself outside of my comfort zone. I have trusted myself rather than listening to the dark parts of society. It isn’t easy to go outside of what is considered “normal.” Thankfully, there are others out there like me sharing their stories and using their voices.

Now, I am focused on living my life. I’m still healing, still doing things to take care of myself and still learning. Yet, I don’t have to try so hard to do those things anymore and I’m able to actually live again. I am able to think clearly and calmly. I am much more grateful for all that I have and for my life overall. Even though I have published my novel, I share my blogs and I share thoughts on Instagram, I am way more private than I have ever been. It feels good to live my life solely for me and those closest to me. I don’t feel obligated to keep others updated on my life or what my family is up to. I literally used to feel like if I didn’t bend over backwards to share pictures of my child or information on what is going on in our lives, I was being unkind and rude. I think I was kind of made to feel like that. After finally choosing myself and my family, I have learned a lot of the things I thought I needed to do to be kind were actually just me being a people-pleaser. Sure, it’s kind to communicate, but I don’t need to be over-communicating or communicating at all with people who aren’t a positive or healthy part of our lives. Basically, I learned I don’t owe anyone anything that takes away from my health or life.

All I need to do is be myself, love myself, and live my life. Everything else will follow.

Here’s to another year of learning, writing, healing and self-love!